Shit My Dad Says

"If you're not over in the corner puking, you're not working hard."

Both my brother and I were big athletes growing up and my dad was our off-season conditioning coach. It was fun to be faster and stronger than the boys.

 

From a physician I know: "Figuring out who knocked her up is like backing into a buzz saw and trying to figure out which tooth cut you."

and

"Boy, if you're going to Honky Tonk with me, you better put your boots on first."

I need to move...

 

"It is always a lot easier to keep your grades up rather than pull your grades up."

Heard that from him on the first day of college and it stuck with me.

 

"Don't use so much dressing, you'll ruin the taste of the lettuce." My grandfather said this to me at a buffet when I was about twelve. I don't know why, but it still cracks me up when I think about it.

 

"Violence, nudity and strong language, my three favorite characters." My grandpa's commits on a HBO content warning.

"This fella(BR Cyrus) is just a STAGE WALKER. He don't play guitar and he don't write his own lyrics. He just prances around for the girls." - My other grandpa bitching about something that wasn't Austin City Limits quality.

Growing up, my mother did social work with the mentally handicapped; including state jobs to care for them and give the parents a break. The assortment of tards I grew up with were awesome. The things my dad said about them were even better. Off the top of my head is the guy he called Rainman. Obviously, he was autistic. He was obsessed with Hall and Oates as well, making weekly trips to the local music shops with code numbers for Japanese bootlegs.

My Dad on Rainman:
"He can divide 34 by 2 billion in 4 seconds but he can't wipe his own ass."

Random idioms from my Dad:
Suck my dick and kiss my ass.
It's hotter then two rats fucking in a wool sock.
He looked like Ned in the first reader.

 

Me and my dad were waiting in the hospital after he fucked his leg up. Some little kid was acting up and his mother was trying to calm him down quietly, but the little shit wouldn't shut up. To which my dad commented, incredibly loudly, 'Of course, you can't hit 'em to shut them up these days'. The woman was literally 5 feet away from us. I just buried my head in my hands as the entire waiting room stared at us.