I just took a day off to clean out a closet my wife had claimed in my house, because this somehow came to be my responsibility. JESUS CHRIST. I've pulled enough feminine products out of unused handbags to stopper up the entire subscriber base of Redbook.
Things I learned tonight: chocolate meringues look like dog turds before being baked. And look like dog turd pancakes after being baked. Disgusting.
*Don LaFontaine voice* You thought you could run. You thought you could hide. But nobody could escape the jiggly black people gifs.
Just received shipment of two very large air horns, which are powered with a hand pump vs. compressed air so they don't run out of air. Purpose? To scare the shit outta my wife. She says I have the mentality of a child with the pocketbook of an adult. I'm about to put that theory to the test.
Should have called the Bush Doctor. Spoiler Seriously though, I get 1-3 migraines a year. Have since I was about 11 or 12. They suck ass. TJ's migraine prescription: 1. Leave. Whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong. Stop. Go home. If you are at home, congratulations, skip to Step Two. 2. Find Excedrin Migraine. If you get migraines ever, you should have this already. It's like Advil, except instead of being a useless sugar pill, it has a nice placebo effect. Take 50% more Excedrin Migraine than recommended by the bottle. Taking more than the recommended dose will make you feel like you've accomplished something. 3. Collect joint rolling supplies. Glass is no good. This is a matter of personal preference, but if your preference is glass, my preference is superior. 4. Roll joint. This can be tricky. It might have taken a while to get home. You might have tried to ignore the signs of an oncoming migraine and waited too long to apply Step One. You may have stopped at the drug store to buy Excedrin Migraine to complete Step Two. Your peripheral vision is certainly gone at this point. Your fingers, or perhaps even your tongue, may be numb. The pain starting to build two to three inches behind your eyeballs will grant you the persistence you need to succeed. If you got to the Nausea Stage before finishing Step Four you might be totally fucked. Try not to let that happen. 5. Darkness. Cause it. Shades, shutters. Eye covers that you have place on your head are no good. 6. Smoke half the joint. The point here is to get a nice buzz going, not to get super baked. Stub out the joint, and save it. You will need it for Step Eight. 7. Close your eyes. Try to nap. The drug cocktail, darkness, and likely lack of sleep that caused your migraine in the first place will all help you to sleep. 8. Open your eyes when most of the pain has passed. Smoke the rest of the joint. Avoid clubs, children, public transportation, and the office for the remainder of the day.
And yet I suspect that establishing a gently-worn, individually-wrapped tampon stand on the sidewalk in front of my house isn't going to yield much in the way of revenue.
Seems like Ther Biebs lately has been starting to take part in that fine tradition than every a-list pop star goes through in their career: turning into a creepy bi-polar fruitcake. And LeAnn Rimes has completely twirled off the fucking sidewalk. I don't know if its ambien or meth or licking an outlet, they'll soon find her naked on an apartment building roof screaming at Jesus to take her away in his spaceship.
Ahh yes the mysterious blue question mark box. Always confusing. Also, why did Nom just dry hump that girl off of that stage?
"I had a dream... My life would be... ...So different from this HELL I'm LI-VING..." I just violently threw up some bile while simultaneously coming very close to sharting. I also dry-heaved so fucking hard, motherfucking blood came out of my tear duct like I'm fucking Le Chiffre. That's right. I threw up so hard my eyes bled. Kill me.
Excedrine migraine at double the dose doesn't touch this. Darkness and silence offer little solace. My head hurts so bad that my face is sensitive. I really hope the dr can do something today. Quickly.