This is from a draft of some notes I wrote for an intro to S&M workshop a few weeks ago that kind of deals with the topic, spoilered for length/relevance. Spoiler Fundamentally - there's no one thing that causes kinks. There's probably a bunch of things and they'll be a combination of nature and nurture - but I personally think that it's entirely possible to really enjoy heavy masochistic acts entirely because of your genetics. I know lots of people who can no more trace their sexual inclinations to an event in their life, than they could trace their hair color. It's just how they came out of the oven.If you haven't already, you and your husband might want to check out When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton - which is specifically written for the vanilla family and loved ones of perverts. If you do ever explore open marriages - The Ethical Slut by the same author is probably pretty relevant reading for both of you as well. I'm a bit of a Dossie Easton fan boi - but her stuff is generally quite well regarded.
Scootah, my life is not like yours. Unfortunately, I don't go to wonderful little fuck parties and get down with perverts and other like-minded people. I maintain a regular job. I have a regular family, a husband and a dog. I look like your typical girl-next-door. I'm painfully boring in a lot of ways. Very few people know about my penchant for being fucked like a dirty little whore, and my innate desires to be totally fucking abused while I'm being poked. And frankly, I take a lot of shit from most of my friends for even scratching the surface when it comes to my real thoughts and opinions on fucking. The fact is that even if nobody ever actually proves that there is a correlation between your childhood and your kink preferences, a girl like me is always be damaged goods. Nobody like me (who isn't involved in the same accepting and encouraging kink-circles as you) is ever going to shake that stigma.
I haven't really been serious enough with anyone to get possessive, but a particular FWB of mine was someone who saw me with the permission of her boyfriend. They tried a couple times to convince me to have sex with her in front of him, or do a couples mix-up kind of thing. I was always hesitant, but that was a couple years ago. I think I might go for it now. I can imagine there being a point where, if I was comfortable enough with my SO, I could watch her with someone else. I'm not sure I'll ever get there, but I can see it as a possibility. The way my FWB and her boyfriend explained it was, he was excited when she was excited, and variety is exciting. At the end of the day, she was HIS, not mine, and we all knew that, so they thought: why not have fun?
Stigma from strangers doesn't mean a thing compared to stigma from yourself or stigma from your husband. You've got no chance of educating the world or fixing their perceptions - the advice presented is entirely about first reinforcing that any sense of being damaged goods that you might have about yourself, is probably just other people's bias being reflected. I mean hell, maybe you are damaged goods - no stranger on the internet can tell you one way or another. But it's unlikely and not something I think anyone should really believe about themselves without a very clear reason to do so. The advice was also given hoping that it might help your husband to get it. Even if he never shares the interest or never explores anything - having him really not understand your kinks will be a cancer for the relationship. It's something you should at least try and work through to a point where even if he has absolutely no interest and will never want to explore it or want you to explore it - he'll at least understand you enough to have a shot at dealing with what will otherwise be a big issue. When Someone You Love is Kinky is really worth the read - if you search online you'll find a copy you can download.
This is the saddest thing I have seen all day, and I've seen two women in matching leopard print, so that's a high bar to clear. One minor thing to point out: very few people NEED to know about your penchant for rough sex. At this point, in fact, it's probably only your husband. The fact that your friends are either irredeemably vanilla, or so ashamed of their own kinks that they pretend not to have any by shitting on you (and which do you suppose is the more likely?), is unfortunate but largely immaterial, unless you were planning on waving the books in their faces. Keep it in your empty nightstand drawer. All that aside, enjoying rough sex, even on the more extreme end of the spectrum, is nowhere near enough to make you damaged goods, even in the dubious court of public opinion. None of my friends are into The Kink Scene(tm), and they find my interest slightly odd. They have jobs, families, dogs, etc. And yet all of them have something they're into, be it semi-public sex, or choking, or feet, or their husbands buying them shiny things. None of us consider ourselves or each other to be 'damaged goods'. This isn't the 1950's anymore, and women are allowed to have sexual desires of their own. Are you living in Klan territory or something? Jesus. Your whole post just makes me unutterably sad, and even as cynical and jaded as I am, I don't think that kink = damaged goods for a majority of people in the first world.
AlmostGaunt, maybe I came off as way more pathetic and misunderstood than I actually am. I don't care all that much that I'm a freak in the minds of my friends or my husband. I am what I am, and I'm not terribly ashamed of it. And Scootah... I wasn't arguing with the comments you made. I appreciate them. I'm just trying to explain why I can't just be my crazy sexual self all day, every day.