Starting at forward for your Los Angeles Lakers....

Sometimes I hate you guys.

 

When I was born, my mom shared her recovery room with a white trash 17 year old who just had her first child, a son. She proclaimed that she was naming him after her father, but changing his name from, and I quote, "the confusing spelling to how it sounds." This poor bastard's name?...Joshawa

 

I've personally met a kid named Pickle. Not a nickname, although his brother has a normal name. Also a Tray and a Bon-Bon.

The snopes name stories might sound like they're just made up, but meet enough trashy people and its clear that while unlikely, they're totally plausible.

 

My mother used to be a first grade teacher and one year had a student named Hunter with a younger brother named Fisher and a newborn named Trapper.

I'm from a classy town.

 

A friend of mine is named John Hoare. His fiancee is from the Philippines, and her first name is Princess. Every time I remember that her name is going to be, phonetically, Princess Whore, I giggle to myself. I can't wait to see what she names her kid. What goes well with Whore?

Sadly, he doesn't find my jokes about making a ho a housewife as hilarious as I do. Kids, don't knock up your religious girlfriends at 23. You will have the baby and be forced to propose, and your wife will end up with a silly name.

 

I just confirmed this with my wife, it's 100% true. One of her co-workers personally drew the blood on the Mom. Sure, I understand the Snopes stuff as I'm not stupid, but the woman who drew the blood has been a lab tech for 41 years, and this happened over 30 years ago. Not like it's a recent thing.

 

I worked in the university library when I was in school, and saw a lot of weird names come across the desk. Two, however, stand out:

1. Marsha Mallo - a really nice girl. She kind of looked like a marshmallow, though. She was a bit puffy.

2. Ramdeep Khakh. This poor poor boy. He was a little slip of a guy, nice as pie, and clearly fresh off the boat. I'm sure his parents had no idea whatsoever that they had given their kid the ultimate gay porn name.

 

Every time I hear that word, I can't help but think of the SNL sketch for "Placenta Helper."

The Hmong in Laos bury the placenta of their children in their huts. The women also deliver their babies by themselves (squat & catch). In silence. Guys, feel free to point this out to your lady friends next time they complain about cramps (though I recommend doing so over the phone).

 

They are Scientologists???

Alt Focus:

I think Glen "Big Baby" Davis should legally change his name to Shrek Davis. That would be perfect.

 

I've mentioned it before, but at an old internship, I exchanged a few emails with a Harvard student (presumably now graduated) named Moonlit Wang.

 

I wonder what Indy car racer Will Power's parents were thinking when they named him...

 

Oh, when I worked at a call centre we kept lists of entertaining names. Two that stick out, so to speak: Mr. Richard Head and Mr. Richard Ball.

Lies, you say? Oh no you di'nt.

 

This Guy changed his name legally to Funky Love Bunny. He used to call the call center attached to a previous job from time to time. The call center has a policy that they have to address callers by name. I laughed my balls off every time I heard someone on the phone with 'Mister Lovebunny' or giving directions like 'Ok Funky, now can you click on'