This is my favourite ride in the universe. I choose it over an X-Wing fighter and the wheelchair from "Silver Bullet":
It appears that Honey Boo Boo's mom got her stomach stapled and lost a few people's worth of weight. Spoiler: Because that face still sucks She still looks like she was deprived of oxygen at birth and then hit by a train, but I'm sure at least one of you jackals would put your ween in her.
Hmmm on the one hand I wouldnt, knowing how utterly trashy she is. But given the right circumstances, I just may. Maybe I'm out at a country-themed bar getting my square-dance on and enjoying a nice crispy bud heavy and shes across the bar, finishing up a Marlboro Red. She downs another Dewars on the rocks and goes to the bathroom to throw up and change her tampon before succumbing to toxic shock syndrome. She stumbles out, and checks herself in the mirror next the empty cigarette machine. Her bleach-blonde hair reflecting the red and white light of the Miller Lite neon sign above her as she wipes the last bit of vomit from the corner of her mouth. She stumbles back to the bar and orders another Dewars and barks at the bartender to change the jukebox to "some old school country" and not that "pop-country crap." Then she sees me and shifts down a few stools and opens the conversation. "Hey hot stuff, looking for some company tonight?" *hiccup* "No, I just want to quietly enjoy my drink, thanks." The truth is, I was. My ex took everything from me in the divorce. Only things left in my world are my 1995 Toyota Hombre and my trusty dog Scooter. And Scooter has fleas. She repeats herself, more earnestly. "C'mon babbbby, Im lonely.," She utters as she wipes her nose on her sleeve and puts her head on my shoulder, eyes peering in opposing directions. I quietly considered my position. I'm drunk, but not drunk enough for this. But what else do I have going for me? I havent felt the sweet embrace of another human being in ages. But has it really come to this? And what is that mount under her shirt that shifts like a bowl of jello? And the scars on the inside of her arms? I dont know this poor woman's past, but could it have been worse than mine? As Im considering my options, I order something harder and down it in one punch. The condensation on her glass causes hers to slip from her hand and shatter on the floor. She begins to sob. The bartender, visibly perturbed, orders her out of the bar. "Fuck you asshole," she screams and she throws the full ash tray at him. The other bartender physically restrains him from coming after her. "Come on baby, fuck these jerks." She grabs my hand and momentarily slips on the wet floor. My vision is blurry and my speech is slurred; I am on auto-pilot. Outside we walk around the side to try to find her car, which even in my state concerns me. Instead she slips again and falls into the side of the dumpster. She picks herself up and kicks it and yelps from the immediate pain. She kisses me and as things progress, we take each other into the sweet embrace of passion. ~Fin~ Yeah thats about the only circumstance I can see. Plus I could mop up with the folds of stretched out skin and not ruin a towel.
Speaking of white trash things, here's a little nugget I saw on Facebook concerning a trip to the dentist. I know it's still early, but I have a feeling that will be this week's winner.
I'd seriously rather have that as my show car than say like a 3 series. 3 series would be the daily driver, sure, but to show off, dam that car looks good.
Yeah, man. Red and white lighting for a Miller Lite fluorescent sign? That's offensive, everybody knows Miller Lite uses blue and gold.
No. The leftover dimples and folds of loose skin would be nauseating. Trust me I've seen it. Former morbidly obese women who have managed to lose a lot of weight seem to be attracted to me. It's a weird niche if I wanted to exploit it, but the feeling has never been mutual. One woman hit on me at a bar and opened the conversation by showing me a "before " picture and telling me how much weight she lost.
I know the joke is because I was looking at your boobs - well, not your boobs (although, I would look at your boobs) - but it's really because I'm old and can't see that tiny sign of the beast.
Yeah well add me to the list of old people that have to wear glasses to see distances as of yesterday. I have to say I cannot believe the difference like, did you know that trees have individual leaves? big of difference.