The 2017 Heart Day WDT NSFW

I don't know nor care about any of that. I liked it.

 

Tell her you're drinking every time she says that. See what her response is.

Let's make this cyclical.

 

Every time she asks "but why?" you say "because God can't stand the sight of you!"

Then throw back a shot and start cackling madly. She'll figure it out. Or she won't. Either way I'll be entertained.

 

Her mother is a restaurant manager. This child know how to open cans and pop bottles. I told her, let's play a little game! Auntie is going to drink every time you ask why more then once in a row! She started clapping and asked if I wanted a straw. This kid is going places.

 

My son gets me my non alcoholic beer from the fridge when I get home. It's a great trick.

 

Yes, but does your son know how to do Disturbed's ooowahahahaha?

 

It's totally normal to throw a sweet potato in the oven at 8:30, right? I mean, it will be done by morning probably.

 

At least I can say that throughout all of my years of drinking, I never made Li'l Bandit get me a beer/ refresh my drink.

Spoiler: Completely unrelated

 

Do you have a microwave? You could cook it in about ten minutes. If you have to be fancy you could cut it in half and finish it in the oven or even under the broiler.

Or throw the open sides into a pan of butter.

... now I'm hungry again...

 

You should teach the kid the third verse of that song where the singer discusses the abuse suffered at the hands of his mom.

 

Why do I always forget that I can cook things in the microwave? I'd like to blame the wine but I'm such a snob about cooking things from scratch that I forget about shortcuts.

I'm an idiot.

 

And now I have a fully cooked sweet potato. Thank you TiB.

My husband decided to install a new ceiling fan in the kitchen tonight, so of course he discovers wiring issues. This wouldn't be as irritating if we hadn't just renovated the house, including all new wiring.

 

Y'all are some evil jackals.

 

All new wiring would require a shocking amount of labor costs.

 

Trust me, I know. We had the house down to studs, all new wiring and all new plumbing. The whole nine yards.

We did a lot of it ourselves, by ourselves I mean not me except for the painting, but the wiring and plumbing, drywall, and heating and cooling we hired out. Oh and the cabinets, motherfuck are cabinets expensive.

 

Well here we go again. It's the 4th annual no talent contest. Kids who can't sing, sing. Kids who can't dance, dance. Painful.

 

And to think that's just counting your own kids.

Last talent show I had to attend someone did this and it was pretty funny considering I hadn't seen the gimmick before.

 

Believe me, I harbor no illusions about my kid's talent level. At least things are moving along smartly.

 

I don't know how this happened, but I totally pocket FaceTimed one of my uncles. I can only hope I wasn't doing something embarrassing like dropping a deuce or ranting and raving with work friends.

Does it make me trashy or just cancer-ridden that I ONLY microwave potatoes?

 

Microwaves are popcorn makers. Little else.