You mention Samira here, and then I go onto my tumblr dashboard and see that someone has posted a bunch of pictures of Samira. One of those strange internet coincidences. I'm not complaining, she's so lovely.
If only so many things in my life had gone differently, I could've been the writer who left my husband to be with her.
That's like three layers of "differently's" - you'd have to work out the probability in some kind of matrix: - differently to be a writer that catches Samira's eye (you're pretty close on this though, yes? I need to know how to weight the probability.) - differently to have a husband (wait, you're not married are you?) - differently to be with her (Does she actually live in New York? You could just hang out on her street until she notices you.) Great. Now I want to watch Sliding Doors.
Well, yes, the long shot was the joke. But in my version one of the differentlys was having a job as a writer on a hit TV show, not being someone she'd be attracted to. That's obviously already the case. THANKS A LOT. I'm not sure if she lives here full time, but they shoot Orange is the New Black in Brooklyn. My roommate used to work at a coffee shop that a lot of the cast would go to on their breaks, only he doesn't watch the show, so he could never answer whether or not any of them were Samira, Ruby Rose, or Laura Prepon, no matter how many times I asked him in a jealous panic. (He only knew they were in the cast because of his coworkers getting all atwitter after they left)
Sister visit update: My sister has been drinking a 12-pack of cokes and eating at least a quart of ice cream every day that she has been here. And she wonders why she can't lose weight...
Well, first of all, I'm rooting for you. "You're saying there's a chance!" Second of all, yes, that's what I meant by "catches her eye" - being a writer of a hit TV show, or your screen play about lesbian cats. Of course she's physically attracted to you, but you already had that and didn't need anything to go differently. I mean, you already have your NYE outfit picked out, but don't have plans yet. Unattractive people don't do that. OH, MAYBE YOU'LL BUMP INTO HER ON NYE!
The only reason I'm not straight is because I watched Aladdin at an impressionable age. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ALADDIN AND JASMINE?!
Jasmine was pretty hot, you were vulnerable and the liberal media took advantage of your fragile young mind.
No love for the Sultan? Oh, I see. Ageist. Jasmine is hot, though. Didn't Roxanne dress as Jasmine for Halloween one time? I wonder where Roxanne is. Herding goats, no doubt.
Great. Now my dog has a tumor. Apparently I'm contagious? Good news is it looks to be benign, though surgery on tuesday will tell for sure. I keep referring to my dog and I as the "tumor troupe." My wife doesn't think it's as funny as I do.
You ever have one of those retrospective "oh shit, it all makes sense" moments? I saw Aladdin in the West End of London this summer and I was thinking how not only is it my favorite Disney move and one Ive seen countless times, but I can remember Jasmine being one of the first "oh man, I really like girls" inspirations. Then you unpack my marked interest in Latina/Middle Eastern women, my fierce and undying love of crop tops in any scenario, and of course dreams to marrying someone with a rich old father, it all makes so much sense now. Can't wait to use it next time some idiot girl I'm talking to informs me that crop tops are "for sluts and 13 year olds" (actually quote from July 2016). The Jasmine defense, impenetrable.
Honestly it was Aladdin's lack of nipples that has us in this gender fluid age to begin with. My brown girl fetish is directly tide to the fact that the first BJ I ever got was from a cute british indian girl with a banging body. Not some subtle childhood inferences. Also a Ruby Rose sighting, legally speaking, for me, would not be good.