The 2nd Annual Christmas & New Years Drunk Thread 2010! NSFW

I sure hope I get one of those for Christmas (but I don't know if I can afford the dental work).

 

You all are looking at her teeth. I'm turned on by the Asian slavery aspect.

 

What's up with the haircuts? They gotta feel like this...

 

Sort of, but not really. My friends and I think it's funny to come up with sequels to things that are completely tonally different from the original. so it usually means making them super dark, and they always have the subtitle "The Reckoning".
Here's a rough draft of the first part if you want a taste:

Spoiler

Note: It is strongly recommended that you re-watch the first 2 Home Alone movies before reading this (or at least the first one), unless you're like me and have watched them 800,000 times since you were 4. Then everything should make sense.

Part I ~ “What a troubled young man.”

Special Agent Erin Marley stepped out of the car and into the cold autumn night, walking down the wet pavement to where the bright yellow tape that said 'CRIME SCENE' was flapping and twisting in the wind, struggling to escape the posts it was bound to. She hugged her coat tighter around her and quickened her pace as the Chicago wind began to swirl leaves and rain and long locks of red hair into her face, obscuring her vision.

It had been a long day already and she had been on her way home when she got the call. This wasn't the usual homicide, the crimes of passion that she was used to investigating. This was something big. A completely calculated act that had taken meticulous preparation on many levels, to the point that Erin assumed that the fact that they even discovered the grisly scene was part of the plan.

She ducked under the tape and into the house where she immediately caught a whiff of the most foul thing she had ever smelled. She pushed her way through the various uniformed bodies swarming about the house and into a bedroom where the acrid fumes were coming from.

“Marley. Good, you're here.”

The head of the behavioral science unit, Jack Douglas, her boss, made his way to her from across the room.

“Jesus. What happened here, sir?”

The scene in front of her was straight out of a horror movie: A thin, malnourished man was strapped completely naked to a large mattress with various belts and ties. The mattress was so soggy with stale urine that a moat had formed around it and was slowly expanding on all sides. IV hangers stood like metallic skeletons praying over the body on either side of the bed with bags like diseased lungs filled with a dark fluid; and long plastic tubes, synthetic veins, running into the organic ones in the man's bruised and cut up arms.

“The victim was strapped down for days and administered pure Pepsi cola through the IV drip. The carbonation bubbles in the Pepsi caused a vascular embolism and, undoubtedly, an immense amount of pain before causing his heart to fail.  If it wasn't that, it would have been the Type 2 diabetes. His name was Fuller McCallister: 26 years old, unmarried, no children, worked at a convenience store downtown. We found a note on the nightstand, we'll put it in evidence, but it seems more of an insult that any kind of clue.”

He handed her the note written in red ink on a torn greasy sheet of notebook paper: “Go easy on the Pepsi. The rubber sheets are packed.”

“Are there any primary suspects? Who would want to do this to someone?”

Douglas opened the courier bag at his side and pulled out a plain manila file which he handed to Erin.

“We had an idea, but now it's almost certain.”

As she flipped the file open to examine the various photos and documents, Douglas recited the contents from memory.

“About a year ago, a man named Jeffrey McCallister, cousin of Fuller here, went missing. About 6 days later, he was found in front of a hospital emergency room hemorrhaging blood from every orifice. Hospital staff tried to save him, but he was already too far gone. And to make it worse, immediate blood tests showed that the hemorrhaging was caused by the Ebola virus. 4 hospital staff members were infected and quarantined, but only 2 of them made it. During the autopsy, the coroner noted a hand written tattoo across Jeff's chest that said 'Jeff, you are such a disease'”

Erin examined the photos of the red haired man with blood flowing out of his eyes like tears.

“Sir, how did he get infected with Ebola when it isn't even native to this area? And how did nobody else other than the 4 hospital staff get infected?”

“We don't know. It's likely that whoever infected him with it imported it from a lab somewhere or got a sample somehow, but it seemed like just a freak accident. That is, until we found the second body.”

As Erin shuffled photos of another grisly murder scene, Jack continued...

“Her name was Linnie McCallister, one of Jeffrey’s sisters. And this time, it was worse.”

The photos depicted a woman strapped to a chair with the top of her head from the brow up completely missing, her brain removed. Large letters were smeared across the wall above her in blood, spelling out the French words “LES INCOMPETENTS”.

“As you can see, his methods are becoming more sophisticated and gruesome.”

“So someone is systematically killing anyone named McCallister? Who’s holding the grudge?”

“We believe it’s the youngest McCallister sibling, Kevin. He spent most of his teen years in and out of juvenile detention for various violent crimes committed with elaborate traps. There was a series of incidents in his childhood where his entire immediate and extended family abandoned him around the holidays, and we now believe that this is all a manifestation of his desire to regain control.”

“If he kills them, they no longer have the power to abandon him.”

“Precisely.”

“So who’s left? Any more siblings? What about the parents?”

“The parents were killed in a plane crash on their way to Costa Rica around Christmas in ’98, and that’s when things took a turn for the worse. He disappeared shortly after severely beating his sister Megan with a snow shovel. She needed complete facial reconstructive surgery. She suffered from severe depression afterwards until committing suicide at the age of 22.”

At the mention of a snow shovel, Erin felt her blood run cold and the earth seemed to drop out from under her. All of a sudden, she remembered something.

“Jesus Christ. My grandfather lived next door to the McCallister’s when I was growing up.”

“I know. That’s why I called you here. I know you were close with your grandfather and I thought you might have some insight into all of this.”

“I-I don’t know. This is too much to process right now. I’ll have to think about it.”

She closed the file and handed it back to Douglas. The smell was beginning to get to her, and she had to get away from all of these people in order to properly think about everything. As she turned to leave, Douglas called after her.

“Well do. And hurry. We’re pressed for time on this one.”

She stopped and turned back to him.

“What do you mean, sir.”

“A few days ago, we got a report that Kevin’s oldest brother, Buzz, and his uncle Frank, Fuller’s father, went missing after leaving a local strip club early Sunday morning. We believe he’s abducted them and is holding them somewhere. If discussions with other family members are any indication, Buzz and Frank are Kevin’s most hated enemies. There’s really no telling what kind of horrible things he’ll do to them. He needs to be caught as soon as possible.”

“I’ll try, sir. But quite frankly, I don’t really know where to start.”

“Well maybe you can start here.”

Douglas reached into his bag again, pulled out another file, and handed it to her.

“These two are Kevin’s only known surviving victims. These guys were somehow subjected to his torture devices twice and miraculously survived both times. They’ve been in the state pen for a good part of the last 20 years, but they may be able to provide some answers.”

Erin Marley walked out of the house, into the icy wind, and got back into her car. There was something she couldn’t shake from her mind as she drove home: the connection between her own grandfather, the sweetest man she had ever known, and this innocent child who lived next door to him, who had in the intervening years become a psychotic killer.

She quietly let herself into her house so as not to wake her roommate. She made her way to the kitchen, and began to brew a pot of coffee. It was going to be a long night. She sat down at the dining table, opened the file Jack had given her, and for the next few hours, learned about two men she had never seen before or heard of in her life: Harry Lyme and Marv Merchants. The Wet Bandits.

Anyways, yeah. That's the first part of Home Alone: The Reckoning. So here's some more sexy ladiez.

 

God, it looks like her boobs have pillow face.

 

It's because you're complacent. You spend most of your time in safety, so your mind doesn't have a defense mechanism to turn on when you're in a dangerous place. If I was a "bad guy" and saw you, I'd instantly recognize you as as easy target. You should really consider practicing some vigilance when you're in these situations, whether you're armed or not. It might keep you from getting face-raped someday.

 

So as a matter of curiosity, do you really believe that she didn't practice vigilance in these dangerous parts of the third world, and that there wasn't a single bad guy in those places to face-rape her?

 

Maybe I read her post wrong, but it seems to me that she was walking around these places without thinking that she might have to defend herself if something happens. It's generally a really bad idea for a female to be alone, unarmed and on foot in a shitty area of a developing country. Unless she's some sort of ninja.

 

You probably did read her post wrong. And for that matter, if a lone Westerner, male or female, gets into a sticky situation in a shitty area of the developing world and pulls out a pistol, do you honestly expect their chances to improve? Between dealing with every other local (who will decidedly not be taking their side) and then the police (and your country's embassy isn't going to help you out), what do you suppose will happen?

On an unrelated note, this is a funny ad:

 

Sweet! Dcc is a ninja!

Also, Albert King and Stevie Ray Vaughn are playing guitar on my television and they are badass and Robert Cray is being interviewed about how badass they are and he is also badass.

Here's a funny joke: So, this beer walked into my mouth . . . rimshot!

 

Yeah, you're right. That sounds like a lot of hassle. I'll just take the rapin' and a killin'.

 

Yeah women! Don't you get to travelin', ya hear? Stay in the kitchen, where you belong!

 

the fuuuuuuck? Now Albert and SRV are gone and Dr Amen is takling about Brain in Love. What is the fastest something can go from Awesomeness to Suckitude? (well, I guess NY Giansts fans know. ha ha ha) Now I remember why I never watch public tv.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.

 

A rep I just got:

Don't walk around in a dangerous place alone without means to protect yourself. Yep, that's pretty shitty advice.

The stupidity of some people blows my fucking mind.

Back on topic:

NSFW

 

Your choice, but you're also signing up for the rapin' and a killin' in a third world jail.

 

The person who repped you is probably a rapist. How would you feel if some stranger told your (wife/girlfriend/favorite whore/drunk chicks) to give you a lead salad whenever you gave her suprise sex?