The 2nd Annual Christmas & New Years Drunk Thread 2010! NSFW

I went out. I noticed the striped shirt thing still hasn't died a horrible fucking death yet. Like a cult of hair-gelled candy canes walking around all using It's Always Sunny jokes to impress somone. These are the people that you trip when nobody is watching.

"Bro, no seriously...bro, seriously straight up bro....listen to me, man, bro!...."

 

The fact that you actually need to ask this speaks for itself.

 

I have this problem.

I just moved into my new apartment and it kicks ass. Well, til I met the local wildlife. My neighbor across the hall is fucking crazy.

She and her boyfriend(?) moved in three days after we did. I introduced myself because that's how I roll. She was sketchy and I quickly surmised that she was a tweaker, her behaviour in the span of five minutes was textbook.

She says she has boys clothes that will fit my boys, would I be offended if she gave them to me. Hell no, anyone with two boys knows that you don't turn down free clothes. To be honest, I did not anticipate her to follow through on this offer.

Well, I arrive home later to find a bag of hardly used pants from the Army Surplus store. Score. Toys and candy,too. I toss the candy because who knows how fucked up a person she is.

My man and I go to thank her and she a) answers the door wearing a man' shirt open, revealing her lack of any other garb, b) she has lesions all over her face, and c) starts telling me how attractive Mr. PIMPTRESS is. I laugh a bit awkwardly( because, no shit, honey!), thank her for her care package, and she blurts out that she "lost" her four boys and now has tons of stuff she would like to give me.

I tell her I am sorry and she says "they are better now."

She keeps leaving things on my doorstep. I want to do something for her, however I promised Mr. PIMPTRESS that I would NEVER let her in our home, he doesn't want me in HER home (but never made me swear), a cursory bottle of wine seems inappropriate and I don't believe in Jesus.

Suggestions?

 

Do you know what's awesome? Drinking a beer, in the shower, while pissing.

If I can do that, you can shit with a beer. And who cares what your girlfriend thinks? Eventually, she'll just accept it as "you being you" and it'll become one of those "cute" reasons "why she loves you" and crap.

Do you know what my wife says are some of the cute reasons she loves me? When I fart loudly at inappropriate and public times. When I pee outside, instead of going to the toilet which is actually closer. When I pee every time before entering my car "for good luck." When I open a beer when I return from work, no matter what time. When I cook microwaveable frozen drunk food (like chicken wings) on the grill. When I use lighter fluid to start a fire in the burn pit. When I light fireworks from my stash, in the morning, on random days, for no apparent reason. When I shoot trees with my shotgun because "they need shootin'."

Point is: women adapt to YOU, not visa versa.

 

and the fact that you actually care about what your girlfriend thinks is even weirder.

edit: beaten to it.

 

No, people adapt to each other. Failure is what happens when one expects the other to become their bitch.

 

People like this are harder to get riid of than Herpes if they become attached to you. If you give her something she likes, she will think you are friends and will soon try to borrow your jewelry to hock to Tony The Clamp.

Instead, use a gesture that turns them off. Buy something really shitty like Nightrain or Buby Duck or semething else that tastes like it was scraped off the bottom of boots. If that doesn't work, maybe the next time around buy the same bottle but instead of leaving it outside Itchy's door you can just heave it really hard at said door so it smashes all over the place. Scream maniacly while doing it. Make sure to leave a note that says:

Lick it up, hood rat!
I shop at Lord & Taylor!!!!

 

I'm sure there is a steady, healthy diet of Pop Tarts and Tang being enforced in the household. It's tastes like you're being mouth-raped by an orange!

 

I could give her a bag of oranges and tell her it prevents scurvy. Moldy ones....

 

Think it'd have the same effect if I put the boys on leashes?

 

Rave: The complete series of Planet Earth for $30. Get on my level.

Rant: I got suckered into watching the movie Australia. The entire fucking thing! GODDAMMIT WHAT A HORRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE!

Rave: It's okay though, because I have weed left over from this weekend at my friend's house. I've got no motor skills, over-reactive taste buds, and I feel beastlier than Leeroy Jenkins right now. And had a rib roast that I think was cooked by Jesus himself. Closing out 2010 in style. I repeat, get on my level.

Rant: I forgot to mention Transformers 2 and Avatar. Awesome visuals aside, those movies' storylines had all the coherency of a snuff porn.

 

Maybe train them to do something intimdating. How about throwing knives, they could throw them really hard like in an action movie so they blade sticks out through into the hallway just as the neighbour appraoches. She'll freak out and run back into the apartment, wondering why she has all these clothes all over her body and complaing that the evil robots across the hall are throwing knives at her for a displeasing offering. Next time, she will come back with the clothes AS WELL as children she took the clothes from.

Can you say "sit-com"?

Rob, it look like you're so on your level that you posted completely in the wrong forum. Nice play, Shakespeare.

 

I like your style. I like leaving an impression.

 

'Twas on purpose, my friendly neighbor to the North.

 

FINE. If you get to Rant and Rave in here, then I get to do a movie review:

...So THERE, Mr. Poopy Pants.

Need to lighten the mood with a battle.

May I suggest corny 90's dance anthems?


Do better.

 

I thought that was the whole purpose of this thread. It may as well be subtitled, The Mixed-Bag Clusterfuck Where Everyone Says Any-Fucking-Thing. The mods thought, 'Fuck it, I don't want to bump threads this week. Let's just give 'em one and they can sort it out.'

R&R, Movie/TV talk, MMA, talks about the latest dead celebrity, trash talk, self-loathing, endless tits & ass pics galore...it's all here.

With that, I'm going to bed.

 

Went out to a a local dive bar with a 10 or so of my friends to celebrate Christmas last night. I ended up getting punched in the face by some drunken whore for god knows what reason (I was too drunk to remember). Upon her leaving my friends informed me that she was hitting on me, no pun intended. I'm guessing I called her out on the whore bit.

 

Raise your hand if your mother called you an accident this Christmas... Yeah, my hand is raised too.

Edit: just for the sake of clarity, she was being sarcastic, she doesn't hate me and I don't have mommy issues