The EPIC Turkey Day.. ZOMG & THE EPIC XMAS D.T BOOM ROASTED!

It took me over an hour to throw the guy I brought home from New Year's out of my apartment. I only vaguely remember the ball dropping, the fireworks we could see in Manhattan, and, um, the sex. I 'm pretty sure my conservative roommate who I really enjoy is home and I'm pretty sure he could hear me being slutty and yelling "GET OUT. SERIOUSLY. I'M TIRED. I WANT YOU TO LEAVE." And my bed's broken so I'm sleeping on our weird extra mattress.

I had grand plans to watch the sun rise from one of the bridges.

I have a knack for ringing in the new year in the strangest of ways.

My cat is judging me so hard right now.

FUCK YOU CAT.

 

I-bankers are so rapey these days.

 

What is an i-banker?

 

Such a tune.

 

I'm assuming she means Investment Banker.

 

Happy new years fools! I should try to sleep so I can actually play poker in six hours.

 

This will be the first year I have started sober in 20 years. Anyone think that's a good thing or is the Universe twisted enough to give me an incurable disease for trying to be healthy?

Happy New Year, Idiots.

 

She's been possessed by the Jennitalia. I need a young priest and an old priest. And a cat. Meow, meow, meow.

I Spent last night in my German bar. Got to talking with a retired beat cop. Dude has some stories. Mostly involving hookers and what warrants stick time. You filthy hippie. I also think my bartender wants to bump uglies. Or a bigger tip. I can't decide which or both. In other news strippers also like me.

Much like the noble groundhog determining winter by seeing his own shadow, I determine the worth of a new year by the state of my hangover. I declare this year to be a good and just year since my skull doesn't feel like Mogadishu.

 

I think I wrote something interesting and relevant, or maybe rude and blasphemous. Anyway, I'm kinda shitcanned and my phone ate it. Hi.

 

Mimosas with leftover champagne should help me feel better. Right?

 

Add me as another who was sober when the clock struck 12. Oh, then the power went out for just over an hour at like 12.45am. That ended the loud parties going on down the road, at least until the one house turned on their generator. Fuck. I was waiting up to watch 8 Mile, but it turns out some other movie with Tupac was on instead when the power came back on, and I missed almost half of it due to no electricity.

As for today so far, it's been pretty quiet, thank fuck for that.

Happy New Year, Idiots.

 

Good Lord. Last night was ridiculous. Sorry if I sent any offensive or retarded rep. It all went downhill after tequila shots. I'm such an amateur on amateur night. Also, there's a solid chance I have the hep and the HIV. Oh, no, not from actually hooking up. From the shards of glass that went into my hand in the restroom. Ugh.

I think I've spent the majority of my adult nyes sober. The jurys still out on whether or not last night was worth the blah I feel right now. But dammit, drunk me has respect for sober me. I washed my face, changed into my superman blue tights, and put my retainer in last night. I intend to wear the blue tights all day.

 

How did this happen? Were you crawling on the floor or something? Either way that is seriously disgusting.

I went into a fraternity house one time were some drunk ass girl had been dancing barefoot after stepping in glass. She didn't notice or didn't care. I'm not sure what become of their carpet. I would have taken a fucking flamethrower to that joint. Or just said it was just wine stains.

Also, 12 hour shifts can blow my balls.

 

I've discovered another gaggle of human refuse that should be burned for normal people's energy.

Picky Eaters on Discovery Health. Fucking hell. There's a landbeast on there right now who only eats cheesy potatoes. She just sniffed a brussel sprout, gagged, then cried like a baby. Fat useless, shifty, lay about, balding cunt scab. Looks like a bucket of lard on a hot day. Morbidly obese people have to work at being that fat. 150 pounds in a year because she eats nothing but taters and processed cheese. 8000 calories a day.

I hope there's a hell just so the people on this show can burn in it. Last episode some dude gave himself a perpetual malnutrition hangover because he ate nothing but pizza. There's some kid in Arkansas chewing on a squirrel's asshole just looking at these bitches crying because there are too many food options they don't like.


"Next on Picky Eaters, can Kelly conquer her fear of vegetables?"

THEY JUST FUCKING SAID THAT. FUCK THIS PLANET. I'M OUT.

 

My drunk ass fell down. There were broken glasses on the floor. I used toilet tissue to make a bandage, and I have no clue what happened to it bc it's gone. Did I throw it away? Did I drop it in the bar? Did I wave it in some poor souls face? It's a wonder I only lost SOME of my dignity.

It is seriously disgusting. Sorry you have a long-ass shift.

 

I'm glad I cleaned my bathroom yesterday because puking in a dirty toilet just wouldn't be classy.

 

Oh man I hope that is the actual case, because that means there is probably some guy messaging his friends about this and taking it as a definitive sign of the coming apocalypse.

 

I think they have until December something, 2012. Maybe?

Does anyone else feel like Gravitas' TLJ avatar is judging them?

 

Supposedly until December 21st.