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The EPIC Turkey Day.. ZOMG & THE EPIC XMAS D.T BOOM ROASTED!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Frank, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. Thorgouge

    Thorgouge
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    Disturbed

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    My procrastination led me to spending nearly an hour going through all these Onion Newswires: <a class="postlink" href="http://www.theonion.com/features/newswire/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.theonion.com/features/newswire/</a>

    Some of my favorites:

    "Birthday Probably A Safe Password Considering No One Ever Remembers It, Mom Sitting At Computer Says Aloud"

    "Wedding Ring Mistakenly Left Inside Prostitute"

    "Lonely Magician Catches Bullet In Head"

    "Local Funeral Director Gets Girl In The End"

    "Heinz Factory Explosion Looks Worse Than It Is"

    and probably the best one: "Brian Williams Completes Daily Pre-News Ritual Of Saying ‘Nigger’ 500 Times So He Doesn’t Accidentally Say It On Air"
     
    #1461 Thorgouge, Dec 4, 2011
  2. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
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    Honorary TiBette

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    You're just jealous because you don't have even a partially functional penis.
     
    #1462 Nom Chompsky, Dec 4, 2011
  3. bewildered

    bewildered
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    Deeply satisfied pooper

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    I've heard that people used to use them to hammer in nails.
     
    #1463 bewildered, Dec 4, 2011
  4. Gravitas

    Gravitas
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    Emotionally Jaded

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    Mud has gotten uppity as of late.
     
    #1464 Gravitas, Dec 4, 2011
  5. Thorgouge

    Thorgouge
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    DO NOT GOOGLE 'NAIL IN PENIS.' SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCKING DO IT.....
     
    #1465 Thorgouge, Dec 4, 2011
  6. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
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    Honorary TiBette

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    That's a clever way of defining santorum.
     
    #1466 Nom Chompsky, Dec 4, 2011
  7. bewildered

    bewildered
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    Why would you even think about googling that? Like, what is there possibly to be gained from an image with that description?
     
    #1467 bewildered, Dec 4, 2011
  8. Thorgouge

    Thorgouge
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    I figured there would be something kind of funny to post as a RNSFW but holy fuck, the first row of pictures aren't safe for anything. You older folks with the dying penises will be very thankful for what you have after a half-second glance at that shit.
     
    #1468 Thorgouge, Dec 4, 2011
  9. CharlesJohnson

    CharlesJohnson
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    THIS HAHAHAHAHAA

    [​IMG]

    A Dick Nail. How does this exist without me knowing? That must be a bitch to type with.
     
    #1469 CharlesJohnson, Dec 4, 2011
  10. audreymonroe

    audreymonroe
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    The most powerful cervix... in the world...

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    [​IMG]
     
    #1470 audreymonroe, Dec 4, 2011
  11. Gravitas

    Gravitas
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    Whiskey gingers are good. Whiskeytown is better.

    And a pic of a ginger with whisky:

    [​IMG]
     
    #1471 Gravitas, Dec 4, 2011
  12. toytoy88

    toytoy88
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    Alone in the dark, drooling on himself

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    C'mon now, my peener still functions. I'm just having a hard time remembering what it's function is.

    When it swells up, I get dizzy. Is that it's purpose? To drain the blood from my brain and other vital organs?

    I'm a very confused old man.
     
    #1472 toytoy88, Dec 4, 2011
  13. wexton

    wexton
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    My wife is watching the show right now, only reason she is watch it is she found out that she knew one of the people on the show.
     
    #1473 wexton, Dec 4, 2011
  14. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    New Bitch On Top

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    Well today just turned fucking sour. One of the fellows I walk with - who has had by any measure a horrific month - had his dog stolen from his yard today. This is the BEST dog ever, and we don't know if he'll be found.

    I mean this sincerely: animals are better than people, and whoever took that dog should be fucking shot.
     
    #1474 Dcc001, Dec 4, 2011
  15. Gravitas

    Gravitas
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    [​IMG]
     
    #1475 Gravitas, Dec 4, 2011
  16. Crown Royal

    Crown Royal
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    Just call me Topher

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    Who in the hell steals somebody's pet? That's just beyond low to do something like that. That would destroy the household an for what? You couldn't get your own dog so you break a person's heart? Fucker is probably at a funeral now, stealing the pennies off a dead woman's eyes.
     
    #1476 Crown Royal, Dec 4, 2011
  17. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    Dude has had a horrible month. He got into an argument at the park with a guy who has two dobermans. The guy sucker punched him (who fist fights at a dog park?!), breaking his jaw, nose and bones in his face. He's had two surgeries thus far to fix it. Then, last week his other dog needed emergency surgery because she ripped open a bag of polyfilla and sniffed it, and when it hit the moisture in her nose it solidified and blocked everything. Now this. The conspiracy theorist in me says it's the guy who hit him that took his dog, but who knows.

    I'm just so sad. That's one of my favourite dogs and it freaks me out that such a thing could happen.
     
    #1477 Dcc001, Dec 4, 2011
  18. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    Also, the award for the most awkward show of the year goes to The Virgin Diaries on TLC. WOW. I can't believe these people would expose their level of...ignorance? To the rest of the world.
     
    #1478 Dcc001, Dec 4, 2011
  19. Nom Chompsky

    Nom Chompsky
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    My friend's roommate just went through a breakup. Her reasoning for breaking up with her bf? Too much ex-drama.

    Of course, the ex was claiming (complete with blood test) to be pregnant. Which wouldn't be of note, except the ex is also claiming to be a virgin.
     
    #1479 Nom Chompsky, Dec 4, 2011
  20. Dcc001

    Dcc001
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    Sometimes I consider that those who choose to wait might be onto something. That by setting sex aside, you can perhaps see the opposite gender more clearly and make good choices about your future, rather than fucking some random person in a sexual encounter that means nothing.

    Then I see people like this, and think, "Fuck, they're out of their minds." Or rather, they're so in their own heads and hung up over something that isn't such a big deal that they're hopeless. I don't think I was ever this inept, even when I was a virgin.
     
    #1480 Dcc001, Dec 4, 2011
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