I am not going to defend this person or the list that she made in particular whatsoever because I hated every minute of reading it, but I don't think the idea of making a list of the qualities you'd like to find in a person is as crazy as it unfortunately ended up seeming because this was the person that chose to write about the topic. I'm the kind of person that finds writing things down or working things out on paper really helps me to stay organized and remember things and figure things out. I keep notes and a journal and to-do lists and a planner that's made out of paper, and I find writing business plans to be genuinely enjoyable. So, while I wouldn't use a list like this as anything resembling an algorithm to apply to dating and wouldn't cut someone off entirely because they didn't match enough of my bullet points, I think that actually putting what you want down on paper can be really helpful, or at least an interesting exercise. I think we all have a list like this in our heads anyway. I, at least, have heard this sentence: "Why can't I just find a [adjective], [adjective] guy who ___________" dozens of times when talking with my friends about boys. I'll admit that, as I was reading the article when Ghetto originally suggested this thread, I was compiling a list in my head and then ended up actually writing a list myself. I came up with 20 things, a lot of which tend to naturally coincide or overlap (passionate, ambitious/driven, and smart, for example). It helped sort out my thoughts on why things didn't work out with past boyfriends, or why something that was a casual dating situation never progressed into a relationship, or why I shouldn't pursue anything further with a kind-of-friends-with-benefits deal because looking at the list I could finally admit that he had so few of those qualities that he would probably never make me happy and I should just continue enjoying it for what it is. It can be difficult for me at times to discern that because my number one priority is interesting/intriguing, and there are a lot of very intriguing people in this world who would also be terrible to be in a relationship with because they may be interesting but also, say, crazy or flaky or dangerous and I can be so swept up in the intrigue that I don't notice. I honestly think that in the future having a list somewhere other than my head could help me honestly evaluate a situation I'm unsure about and avoid wasting my time or getting swept up in something that wouldn't be the best for me. I like to think (and I'm pretty sure I don't do this) that I'm not the type of person who can get distracted by a guy because he's there, single, and into me and consider that to be good enough, but I sure as hell know a ton of people do that because they're so scared of being single, and for those type of people I think it actually could help them find a relationship that's actually fulfilling for them. Or, at least, not settle for one that isn't. It was also just interesting to judge myself based on what I ended up putting on the list. I ended up being a little surprised at what I ended up caring enough about to put on a list. I kept it in the order that they came to mind, and there were some funny little things there ("attractive" didn't make it onto the list until #15, mostly because it would take someone being really physically ugly for me to not consider them attractive if they possessed numbers 1-14). I wrote a little bit after each one to elaborate and explain why I cared about it, and the whole exercise resulted in a couple of epiphanies which, as a very self-analytical person, I always enjoy. Sure, I felt a little neurotic while doing it, but overall I thought it was pretty fun and helpful. TL;DR Enh, what's the harm in it? If anyone's interested (wait, who am I kidding? EVERYONE'S INTERESTED) here's my condensed version of my list: Spoiler 1. Interesting and intriguing: If I can figure him all out the first time I meet him, then I'm bored and I have no interest in boring people 2. Passionate: Someone who has an interest/talent/hobby/career/cause that they're passionate about, doesn't hurt if they're passionate in the sexy way too 3. Creative: Or, if they don't actually have a creative ability, to at least appreciate/respect/value creativity 4. Driven and ambitious: At my age, I don't care if they're successful yet, but someone who has dreams and long term goals and is actively pursuing them, not happy to settle 5. Someone who challenges me/helps me grow 6. Like to do things: I know this sounds stupid, but I do a lot of things like going to events and museums and parties and go on little adventures, and it's surprising how few people are interested in joining me for things other than going to a bar and that's boring. I'd also love to not be the camp counselor in a relationship and actually have him suggest things now and then 7. Likes to read, loves movies/TV: Another thing that sounds kind of stupid, but talking about this type of stuff is one of my favorite things to do. I'd like him to have good taste, if not the same taste as me (although that's preferable). 8. Funny: Also, gets and likes my sense of humor - it's offbeat and a lot of people never catch that I'm joking and it gets awkward 9. Can do things with his hands: This is the type of classic masculinity that gives me the hardest boner the fastest. Fix a sink, build a table, cook a meal, pitch a tent (a camping tent, you fool). I don't care what exactly. Have some callouses on your hands you pansy. 10. A balance of city mouse and country mouse: I keep getting crushes on these country boys who hate the city and would never live here and that just won't do. I want someone who loves New York and everything it stands for, but I want someone who wants to go hiking or camping with me or will help me with a garden and won't be afraid to get dirty 11. Loves to travel: Partially because I love to travel and want someone who'd go with me, but also that means he'd likely possess other characteristics that I care about like curiosity, adventurousness, spontaneity, and bravery. (Is this cheating? Does this mean I have 24 things on my list?) 12. Likes animals: Mostly because I get extremely suspicious of people who dislike animals because that clearly means they're not a good person. If he's not going to love my cat, he has to be at least indifferent to him, and I plan my future around getting a dog like most women plan to have children one day. 13. Not afraid to show they care about (and then love) me: My first boyfriend was overbearing, clingly, needy, gushingly romantic to the point of making me queasy. My next boyfriend was extremely aloof and it constantly had me second-guessing the entire relationship and it made me really insecure. I just want something in the middle. I care more about him showing it more than saying it, but sometimes I just need it to be explicit and to hear it, damn it. 14. Has respect for tradition: I realized this is important to me when it comes to something super serious/a husband. (Thankfully, most of my traditions that I care most about are related to food so I think he can handle it.) 15. Attractive/sexually compatible 16. Smart: But not pretentious or condescending about it 17. On the same side of the spectrum when it comes to sociopolitical issues: If he's not pro-choice or pro-gay marriage then he's not for me. I'm more flexible on other social issues and don't care so much about fiscal issues (unless he's super "fuck the poor" in his viewpoints). I just don't think it would work otherwise; I think these views tend to coincide with a lot of other things that I care about. 18. Similar opinions or views on religion: I couldn't be with someone who was super religious or aligned with a particular religion, but I also don't think I'd want someone who was very critical or dismissive of spirituality. If he is, though, at least be respectful of my relationship with my own spirituality. Also, I'm part Jewish and everything that comes with that besides the religious aspect is something that's a part of my life that I care about, so if he's at all Jewish too it would be nice to be on the same page if it's a very long-term/husband thing. 19. Strong: In character, I don't really care about physically. Meaning things like self-assured, confident, unafraid of challenges or of the scarier, darker parts of life, someone who doesn't compromise their values or stands down without a fight. 20. Laidback, but still appreciates the finer things in life: I find uptight people to be a huge turn off, but I also hate when people are so easygoing and go-with-the-flow-man that they can't make or commit to a plan or doesn't appreciate a nice meal or a nice outfit. This aligns a lot with the city/country thing where I really just am looking for a balance.
I couldn't force myself to read all of that. It was painful. I feel like girls like her watch "The Bachelor" and are either Forever Alone or end up in a loveless marriage to someone who's "good on paper". My List 1. Decent Person (treats himself and others with respect and kindness) 2. We have the same core values (education, a good work ethic, our friends and families, a healthy lifestyle, being genuine, faithful and honest, etc) 3. Physically attractive to me 4. Fun 5. Awesome chemistry (or whatever generic term people use). I am a physically affectionate person, but I can't stand being with someone who's ALWAYS touching me or ALWAYS down for some PDA. It's smothering and reeks of insecurity. "I MUST TOUCH YOU AT ALL TIMES IN PUBLIC SO EVERYONE KNOWS WE ARE TOGETHER." On the other hand, if you aren't into kissing or spooning a bitch it's not gonna work out.
Are we talking "attractive to make me want to fuck them", or "attractive to me as someone to date"? Because the criteria there are kind of different. Either way, I have four (alliterative!) things that make a person attractive to me - which apply to all my friendships as well as all my relationships. Are they: Curious, Compassionate, Courteous and Clever.
Can she squat? Can she cook a steak on the grill? Does she think Final Fantasy VI is the best FF of all time, but FFIX is criminally underrated? If so, sold!
1. He's got to be both trusting and trustworthy. I'm an honest person and I absolutely despise people being jealous or insecure and refusing to trust me. Just because you've been screwed in the past doesn't give you the right to assume i'm a shitty person. 2. Curiosity. 3. Intelligence. 4. He really has to be a fun person. I'm extremely outgoing but I can't handle someone relying on me to make their life interesting. I like to go out and do things; I can't be dragging someone off the couch all the time. 5. Manly hands- I have kind of an irrational issue with feminine, dainty hands on a dude. What can I say, I like a little ruggedness and hair. Weirdly enough, while I was thinking about what my "list" would be I realized that my criteria for a dude is pretty much the same for friends (except for the hand thing, ladies can be soft and pretty).
No dummy, he knows every single ONE of your motivations because you layed them out for everyone to see. Yes y our ridiculous, contradicting bullshit motivations that basically eliminates every male on the planet from your "needs". May a B52 rain firey napalm death on this woman. Focus -Tolerance and trust is my biggie. Trying to change or mould somebody to fit your taste is not sexy, nor cool. Don't do that. - A desensed sense of humour aka one who doesn't get offended even when you tell that joke about how they get baby oil by throwing babies into meat grinders while you're holding your own baby. - Generally well-kept but doesn't have to dress up to go everywhere
Anyone that has an extensive list of must haves is insane and I want nothing to do with them. I've dated a variety of personalities and appearances. The common thread is a mutual attraction. What creates that? Not a cold check list. To say if a person meets so and so criteria that they are then attractive to you is insane. I have some things I find attractive, and I have two must haves (non smoker, no kids, and reasonably fit) but aside from that I'm open to wherever things go. Maybe thats why some people stay single, they can't enjoy people for who they are. They are too uptight and are constantly judgmental about others, they miss out on some good times because they are too preoccupied with small insignificant things. And by reading this don't think that I'm some sort of laid back person, in general I'm not. In general I'm focused and opinionated, but when it comes to the bigger more important things in life tend to let things run their course. Kind of a contradiction but it works for me.
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Or, lacking that... Dat ass.
I've never felt the urge to make a list of what I'm looking for, but just for you TIB (and not at all because I'm hopelessly bored at work). 1. Intellectual curiosity. (Speaking of which, is there any other type of curiosity? Isn't intellectual redundant?) This is tied up with 'intelligent'. I rate intelligence far too highly and it's a character flaw on my part, but realistically I don't see that changing any time soon. 2. Decent. Not kind, necessarily, although that would be a plus, but possessing some sense of honour. Honour in the sense of doing what you say you will, not fucking with those that are weaker than you, that sort of thing, rather than dueling people over insults. Although that would be a plus too. 3. Independent thinker. This isn't quite the right term for what I'm trying to capture, but it's the best I can do. If you've been a straight A student all your life, gone to University, work hard in a good job, and volunteer to help the homeless on weekends, you're a better person than me but I don't want to date you. (Now, if you do all those things but also do some fetish work on the side, or spend 3 months of the year in Tibet, or take heroic doses of acid and paint murals, call me. Please.) I have an affinity for people who are just a little bit different, a little bit out there. Not in the 'I need massive plugs in my ears' or 'I'm covered head to toe in tatts look at how alternative I am' way (as Philalawyer once said, if you're advertising, you're compensating), but in the 'I don't believe everything I'm told about how I should live my life' kind of way. Everything else is negotiable.
I want to preface this list by saying I don't say no to a guy if he doesn't meet each of these. These are just a list of things I find attractive. 1. Enjoys reading. If he always has a book he's currently reading, that's ideal, but as long as he is well-read, I will find him sexy 2. Treats me well. This includes respecting me, not acting like I am a fragile flower who needs to be taken care of, isn't afraid to get into a fight with me, and recognizing when it's the right time to be jokingly mean and when I just want someone to be nice to me. 3. Looks good playing a musical instrument. Ever since I hit puberty, I've been a sucker for a guy with a guitar. I don't care if it's cliche, I think it's sexy. 4. Doesn't expect me to get into the sports he is into. I enjoy hiking or going to the batting cages, but I hate playing organized sports and I can't stand watching baseball. Also, I can't be with someone who puts their team before everything else. I respect your dedication, but I'm just not interested in being with that guy. 5. Doesn't feel threatened by the fact that he will always come second to Paul Newman in my life. I will try to let him come before Johnny Depp, but Paul Newman is the love of my life. 6. Common interests. We don't need to like all of the same things, but we should like some of the same things. 7. Equality when it comes to running a household. I don't want to feel like your mother. I grew up in a house where my father did the cooking and the dishes. While I enjoy cooking, I don't think it is my job to do all the cooking and cleaning. I want to be with a man who will run a vacuum from time to time and doesn't refer to taking care of his kids as babysitting. 8. The ability to balance a job and a personal life. I enjoy teaching, but I don't let it rule my life. It's a plus to be with someone who enjoys what they do for a living, but I'm not interested in being with someone who puts their job before everything. 9. I want a minimum of two kids, but no more than three. I would like to be in agreement about how we raise said children as well as similar ideas about other aspects of married life. I also want to get married at some point. 10. I generally want to be with a descent human being. Someone who treats people in the service industry with respect, loves animals, and doesn't look down on people because of circumstances that are out of their control.
What the fuck does this even mean? Who the fuck doesn't want to spend a day reading on the beach? What type of awful person wouldn't want to do that?? I can understand if climbing a mountain isn't your thing, but man, if you don't like the seaside, you're not only dead inside, your soul is a decayed and rotting husk wailing in an eternal void of darkness. Seriously, fuck this woman. I hope she finds the "perfect mate" she's looking for and their car breaks down on a mountain road in the middle of fucking nowhere, but his pasty, outdoor-hating ass is too weak to hike the 20 miles to the nearest town, so they sit in the stalled car bitching at each other until their mutual neuroses reach the inevitable boiling point and he murders her with a tire iron and buries her body in the woods. Also, "Mac person preferred to PC person"? Anyone who even considers themselves "any type of electronics person" needs to no fucking re-evaluate their life, and anyone who'd pick a potential partner based on what type of computing platform they favour should be banned from having relationships in case they ever reproduce. Focus: Judging by my dating history, "be insane or I get bored" seems to be up there. Hopefully it's a phase.
1) Physically attractive - I'm not saying she has to be a total dime but I think there must be a certain level of physical attraction between the two of us. 2) Intelligent - Be able to discuss a variety of topics with a wide variety of people. Know something other than what Kim Kardashian is up to these days. 3) Ambition - an ambitious woman is sexy to me. I like women who are about more than just having a family and having a husband. Women who are looking for nothing more than a husband, 2 kids, and want to live in the suburbs are boring to me. Have a desire to do something with your life whether you will get paid for it or not. 4) Gets along with with her family - I've dated too many women with daddy issues for me to take another gamble on this one. 5) Sense of humor - I go to school with too many ladies that have no sense of humor and take themselves far too seriously. They don't understand the subtle humor in life and cannot take a joke or make fun of themselves. 6) Independent - This applies to thoughts and actions. Don't rely on me for your happiness and thoughts. We do not have to think the same thing and likely won't. Have your own thoughts and interests. Be able to do things on your own without me having to hold your hand every step of the way.
Is there something about living in New York and trying to be a writer that makes it irresistible to write insanely long winded prose?