I agree with you, and yet I think there's danger here too. I've struggled with this a lot myself, but I think it's dangerous to make decisions for other people on the grounds that you know what's best for them. If you are honestly laying out all the information the other party needs to make their decision, and they make a choice that will probably hurt them in the long run, do you have the right to take that decision away from them? There are shades of (insert feminist term du jour here) in this mindset. I've tried both options, and honestly neither worked out particularly well. So, I'll throw the question open to the floor: at what point does protecting someone from themselves become patronizing?
From the moment you start doing it. But that doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. Ethics are about doing something because it's the right thing to do, or not doing something because it's the wrong thing to do. And sometimes it's a dilemma to know if something is right or wrong. But you know, beyond any question, unless you're a fundamentally broken human being, that withholding the truth from someone because it will make them not want to sleep with you, is a wrong thing. You know beyond any question, that if you feel like you're taking advantage of someone, it's wrong to continue doing whatever it is that makes you feel that you're taking advantage of them. It doesn't matter if you're actually taking advantage of them or not. The ethics in this situation are entirely about how you respond to what you're feeling. If you can honestly reassess the situation and no longer feel like you're taking advantage of them - you change the situation - but if you're continuing to use someone for one thing when they want someone else and you can't get over the feeling that you're using them? The only right thing to do is to break it off. Also, in my experience, you're usually setting yourself for a world of hassle. Sometimes it's paranoid and you're over thinking and everything will work out fine. But more often than not? Your intuition is telling you something you really should have known all along. When that nagging little voice just won't shut the fuck up? I generally listen. When I don't listen? I fucking regret it. Every time.
It seems like this question of when to disclose your true feelings or intentions has gotten tangled in a web of overused hyperbole and canonical adherence to the exact written meaning of what people have said. Scootah mentioned intuition in a slightly different context above, but that's always been my guide as to when this sort of a conversation about 'where things are going' needs to happen. And it's rarely let me down.
Hypothetically, if you (man) have been dating a woman for ~6 months and have requested that she meet your parents when they're in town visiting... does this mean anything? Like, are you seeking their approval? Or are you just facilitating a meet-and-greet because it's the polite and social thing to do? What is the thought process that goes on when a dude asks his ladyfriend to meet his folks? My friend wants to know. Hypothetically, of course.
Personally, this. Hypothetically, if it's not too difficult for the woman in the situation to meet the parents (doesn't have to cancel/rearrange other plans), then organising this sort of meeting would just be out of courtesy. I think it might be a bit more strange if such a meeting wasn't suggested if the opportunity was to arise. Personally, I don't think there's anything more to it, just being polite (to both his parents and her).
I am of the opinion that he wants his parents to meet her because she is a rather important part of his life. It's highly unlikely that he would introduce a girl that isn't important to him. It doesn't mean he is "seeking their approval" either, in my opinion.
For me, it's a little of both. Being with a girl for 6 months means things have begun to get serious. I'm not going to introduce every woman I've been seeing to my parents. Especially if I thought I didn't see anything lasting past a two month fling.
This is my take as well. If I'm setting up a meeting with my parents, even if it's just lunch because they're passing through, it means that I want them to meet her because I see potential. My mom doesn't need to meet my latest fling. In fact, I don't even consider The Meeting of the Parents, till the Girl in question and I are all official boyfriend/girlfriend and I think it's going to last a while.
He could have nothing to do with it and the parents just want to meet the chick that's monopolizing his time and it's as much of a weird situation for him as it is for you. Or your friend. By the way, when you are meeting the father for the first time don't lock your keys in the car while it's still running and not realize it until 2 hours later when dinner is over. Because that's a little embarrassing.
This is true, but also 6 months is a fairly substantial amount of time. By 6 months, it's no longer 'latest fling.' Given that they're already visiting (and thus meeting you is a secondary purpose rather than the main one), I don't think it's anything to freak out about. By this time, they're probably aware of your existence, and it would be suspicious for them to be in town and not see you at least once.
It is the polite and social thing to do, first off. Usually parents take some interest in their children's lives, and if they're coming to visit it might be a bit strange to not meet. You could also get into whether the guy wants to show his girlfriend off to his parents, wants to gain parental approval, or wants his girlfriend to be more connected to his family. So, in other words, it can mean anything, or it can be nothing (so helpful a response, right?). Basically the one thing that's certain is that the guy's not ashamed/trying to hide his relationship.
I wouldn't really have a problem introducing a girl I was dating casually to my mom if it was some sort of, in town visiting, situation. Seems like it could be a good company type thing. Of coarse being honest about where the relationship is at seems like the most prudent thing to do. If it was more serious I think it would be a little of both, seeking some sort of approval and the polite thing to do.
I personally wouldn't mind, but I'd be really cautious about suggesting it because I know that meeting parents is so often seen as a high-pressure situation. I think most people would be loathe to impose that on someone they're only casually dating.
This particular couple identifies as "boyfriend/girlfriend" and has been known to accidentally drop the communal "we" in conversation. It is monogamous, I believe it is serious-ish (how do you know?), and they often do lame couplesy-shit like stay in on a Friday night and snuggle while watching documentaries/HGTV. I-love-yous have not been exchanged, but he has on occasion told her that "...he adores her." It is certainly not casual.
If it's not casual, then what is the problem? This hypothetical couple is exclusive and public with their relationship. Isn't meeting each other's families the next logical step? If not now, when?
It certainly means something - but sometimes all it means is 'We're involved enough that it might seem like a dick move to not offer to introduce you to my parents while they're in town, and while neither I nor my parents will have an issue if you're busy or whatever, I don't want to hurt your feelings by not making the offer.' It might also just mean 'My parents are in town and I could use some company while I deal with them' or it could mean 'Hey, I think maybe you're the one and I need to know if you and my mother are going to stab each other'. No way to know for sure.
I suppose it's asking too much for the girl in this couple to turn to the guy in this couple and say, "Hey, how come you're inviting me? Are you making us official, or are you just being polite?"
It is. My friend is extremely allergic to conversations about her feelings. In all seriousness, I guess I just wasn't aware that there was a "logical progression" to these sort of things. I thought two people just fucked and did stuff together until they decided that a) they didn't want to do either of those things with each other anymore, or b) they wanted to do those things with each other for the rest of their lives. At which point, in option B, families got involved. That's why I was unclear on the motivations behind a dude asking his girlfriend to meet his parents before they've reached Point B. [This TiB Learning Experience was brought to you by Dcc001.]
The funny bit is that someone in this world has taken relationship advice from me. Question for guys: How often do feelings get involved with sex for you? On average, do you often get emotionally attached or is emotional attachment completely separate? I ask because I always assume that most guys do not equate sex with feelings, and I'm often surprised when someone does.