I'd say it depends on the guy. I can have pretty regular sex with a girl for a long time and have zero emotional attachment. My younger brother has a hard time even having sex with a girl unless he's interested in her in a relationship sense. That being said, I was once very emotionally attached to a girl that I never even kissed. So, yeah. Sex doesn't equal emotions for me personally.
It'd be overstating it to say they're "equated," but they tend to be highly correlated for me. Sex doesn't make me emotionally attached, but being emotionally attached makes me much more likely to want sex. I'm not going to say I'm ga-ga for every girl I've ever fucked, but I would have trouble being interested in fucking someone I wasn't at least affectionate for on any semi-regular basis.
Opinions will probably vary here. I'd say that to a hard degree or a soft one, I would say there's at least SOME kind of emotional attachment to sex. I mean it's not like you're playing Pictionary together or something. It's just that the emotions vary. A couple of examples: you have a strong, burning mutual attraction that shows future promise OR you just may have found each other hot through your beer googles, grinded the shit out of the each like assholes on the dance floor, gave the cabbie his shittiest 20 minutes of his shift, tore each other's clothes off and fucked on top of the shoe pile barely inside the front door. It's an intimate thing no matter how weird it gets. There has to be some kind of emotional attachment, that's what got you "attached" to each other in the first place.
For me sex was a recreational activity that turned a good night out into a great night. This might make me a Sociopath as “Whores” so gently pointed out but I hadn’t really analysed the behaviour nor to be honest given much thought to the girls I was having casual sex with. I was never intentionally a prick but I was in retrospect entirely emotionally unavailable and not particularly aware my behaviour could be causing any harm. So you know, in all measurable ways a prick. If I became single again would I behave the same way? To a lesser extent probably, I don’t like discussing feelings or having D&M’s and I don’t think the first time you meet someone is the right time to categorically say that you do or don’t want a relationship, let things happen organically for fucks sake. Girls would come home with me because I was fun to be with, if things got down and dirty awesome, it was as simple as that. I still don’t see a huge problem with the equation and can’t imagine having the “chat”. How does it go? “Look we have been having a great time tonight and I would love for you come back to my place so I can show you my espresso machine but I would just like to say upfront that due to your poor vocabulary and terrible enunciation I in all honesty don’t see white picket fences in the future for us, my mother raised us a bit snobby” “ I am however really keen to see you naked, and will make you a really nice breakfast in the morning followed by a ride home, so are we sweet or what?” LTMSette and I have been together for a little over a decade and I have been 100% *faithful. So I can’t be all bad. I think she met my parents after about 3 months. For me this meant that things had stepped up a notch. *I still like to flirt with girls in bars to see if I still have it. Alt Focus: Is that a form of cheating?
I'm three pages late to the party, but fuck it: I'm busy. I actually had a somewhat similar proposition happen to me. I met a girl through some friends (friends of friends thing), took her out once and we wound up back at her place. I thought we got on well, so I invited her to my 21st birthday the following week. The day before she told me that she had to work early in the morning and was sorry but she couldn't make it. I actually ended up crashing at her house that night with a few other people because another one of the party goers was her flatmate. She came out of her bedroom in the morning to me half passed out on the couch and an amused, "bit late for work aren't we?" She went back into her room and refused to come out until I left. Did I act all hurt and confused? Nope. I fucked her flatmate for several months until she moved out.
For me, it really depends on the other person and if I see that there's something more there. There have been numerous times when I just wanted to get laid and there was no emotional attachment at all. There were other times when things really clicked, I could see some serious potential, and it was difficult for me to separate sex from emotions. Obviously, this has sometimes bitten me in the ass. But more often than not, I've judged things appropriately and it's worked out to create a long term thing, if that's what I was looking for. Maybe it's just me, but I think that this situation is being read into way too much. From what's been said, it's not like he's going to introduce his parents to you at the end of a flower-covered aisle, up on an alter, surrounded by your friends and family, with a priest holding a bible, while wearing a tux. They're in town, he wants to see them, and he's probably just being polite by asking if you'd like to meet them. The alternative, of course, is that he could've just said, "Oh no. No, no, no, no--I don't think it's necessary that you meet my parents. Nope, not at all. Definitely not." If that were the case, and he was vehemently opposed to that idea, wouldn't you feel like he was trying to hide you, or ashamed to be with you? Maybe--and this might sound crazy--he likes you. I know, scary feelings and all of that, but people like to introduce people they like to other people they know. If you were meeting his best friend who was in town for the first time (and who probably influences his opinion as much as or more than his parents) would you be asking the same questions?
DCC question: For me it was always person dependant. Some girls I could just sleep with but not fall for while others I wound up falling for even despite our intentions going into the FWB situation. For the most part there's at least some baseline friendship however. One example for me was a girl I dated for a while years ago who, once we broke up, I would sleep with when she was between boyfriends but for whom I no longer have any romantic feelings. The most consistent correlation for me is, as guernica mentioned, more feelings = better sex. There are exceptions, but this holds true far more than the depth of feelings I have with someone before, during, or after sex. Sex with my wife is better, and leaves me feeling internally more "right," than sex with others. LTMS Alt Focus: To paraphrase my reply to a similar question somewhere else on this board; it is cheating if it is behavior you hide from your wife because you know it constitues a violation of her expectations of your marriage. If she knows about it and either doesn't care or you have otherwise negotiated an ok from her about it, then it's fine. Now, granted, it's way on the end of the "cheating" spectrum and isn't catastrophic or anything, but it's definitely on that spectrum in a way that forgetting to take out the trash is not.
On the way to work, on the radio, a lady was discussing the fact that she had to have sex with a guy before she agreed to date him. She also declared that everyone was like that now a days. She says that no one waits until after they are dating to have sex anymore. That statement boggled my mind. Ladies, do you do this? Do you have to have sex with a guy before you date them? Guys, do you do this with women?
I'm assuming she picks up all her guys at a bar or party scene, or on an internet dating site. I can't see meeting someone in a real life situation and having absolutely no dating scenario before banging. I mean, I'm sure it happens often enough, but I'm nearly certain it isn't the rule. And that isn't how it works with me either.
No, she isn't doing "actual" one night stands. As in before she becomes official boyfriend/girlfriend she has to have sex with them first.
Guy: You want to have dinner with me? Girl: You have to fuck me first. Guy: OK. Girl: That was great, how about that dinner? Guy: Get out. I suppose this situation could end differently from this and I understand wanting to know if you are sexually compatible early on, but the above is pretty much how I see this breaking down.
I'm probably more tight-vagina'd than a lot of the other posters here, so I'm probably not the person to comment on this. This being said, I lean toward the more traditional side of things when dating topics come up. I cannot whatsoever relate to that woman.
My last relationship involved us becoming exclusive/official first, then having sex. I wouldn't mind if any girl held that point of view. I'd probably like her more that way, or at least take the relationship more seriously.
My current relationship started with sex first, then becoming official. It wasn't that we weren't going in that direction anyway, it just happened to confirm what we were thinking even more. Conversely, my last relationship was totally different and (much like bewildered) she was a little more tight-vagina'd. I didn't care either way. I knew I liked being with her and so I waited. I guess it really depends on how much you value sex in a meaningful relationship. As for me, I need to be able to do other things with a girl for the other 23 hours and 40 minutes we're not having sex during the day, so while it is important, it's not a #1 priority*. *Now, if the sex is just horrible, then that's a problem. But you get the point.
I never had an explicit rule that I needed to have sex first, but after my first GF there just didn't seem to be a reason to get to know them first. I wasn't going after virgins so it wasn't like either of us were saving ourselves, and quite frankly pretty much every 19-23 year old girl has had a one night stand so why should I be the sucker that wines and dines the girl when she's given it up on a drunken whim to other guys. And I'm not saying that to say these girls are sluts or something, I think the stigma around girls hooking up with random dudes is retarded, just that we both want sex and we've both had our V-cards taken, so why set up some arbitrary rules about how long we have to 'hold out' before fucking? There was also the fact that I was never actively looking for a relationship, just that the fuck buddies I had real feelings for became my girlfriends. I say just cut the bullshit and have fun. Or probably even worse, incompatible sex drives can absolutely ruin a relationship. I look at some of the stupid fights I got into with my last girlfriend just because I was wound so tight from a lack of sex.
What's your definition of dating? Mine happens to be when we've stopped seeing other people. And we've definitely had sex before things got exclusive. In fact, I can't imagine not having sex before going exclusive. I don't want to get to attached to someone and realize that I'm not going to enjoy sex with them.
Whaaaattt??? It boggled my mind that it boggled YOUR mind, and that you weren't the only boggled one. But maybe I'm misinterpreting something. To me, it doesn't sound like she's saying she would have to have sex with a guy before agreeing to go on a date with him. That would be mind-boggling, but I don't think that's what she's talking about. It seems to me that she's saying most girls want to sleep with a guy before dating (presumably exclusively) a guy, and I agree with her. I'd absolutely have to have had sex with a guy before agreeing to be in a relationship with him. And if I don't have any interest in sleeping with a guy by, I don't know, the fourth date or so and he hasn't made any moves towards it either, I wouldn't continue to date him. I can't think of anyone I know who feels differently.
If he hasn't put on the moves by the fourth date, he's either gay or has a dose. A guy that goes into the celebrated and much-anticipated "Third Date" without the intent on throwing a shot in the sheets by the end of the night is either a robotic sheep to some Unknown's stupid rules or he has more gay issues than the dude from Silence of the Lambs. Third date sex is not only mandatory, it's in the Bible (Life Logic 4:12). If it doesn't happen by then you should shake hands, congratulate each other on your failure, and walk in the opposite direction.