But a relationship can mean so many things. I don't think that people are saying that the goal is to be in some sort of exclusive relationship, just to have some basis other than the physical alone, to make sure that there is an emotional/friendly/etc connection as well.
I don't have time to re-read 67 pages, but has anyone bothered to mention the importance of emotional chemistry during sex? Enjoyment of each other's company should be some sort of prerequisite to fucking. It's gotta be a rule somewhere. Like mya said, it doesn't have to be profound. However, I kind of like to know what a girl is like before I am literally inside of her. Call me old-fashioned.
Most people here have appropriately touched on the "let whatever happens happen naturally and go from there" sentiment that I really agree with. Audreymonroe mentioned that she had only once had a negative experience holding off on sex anticipating something more. For myself, its happened more and has definitely painted how I approach such situations. First was a girl I met at a mutual friend's birthday and we hit it off, hung out for hours, and went home together and I didnt press anything, settling for make outs as I really thought she could be the next girl I seriously dated. Things fizzled soon thereafter, though months later we hooked up and she wondered where my newfound aggressiveness came from. Maybe a lack of expectations. Later that summer, I met a girl on a flight home, ended up going on a date that lasted all night, amazing chemistry led to us going back to my place where I took it easy, we never really had a second date. Third instance about 9 months ago, same situation, except after 1.5 dates (coffee and a dinner) I didn't choose to stay over at her place after a nightcap. Basically, I realized that it was out of my nature and personality to slowplay like that. I'm naturally assertive and pursue what I'm interested in. If you put on the brakes, thats fine, I understand, but I'll make my intentions known. When I go away from that, its not the real me and I think it seeps through elsewhere which is why those situations fizzled. I think every guy, at least myself and my close friends, have categories of attractive girls. The ones you would love to hook up with, and the ones you'd love to date (the latter also being included in the former). I definitely get pretty attached, but only cause I like to focus my attentions on a singular person. Unfortunately, in the wrong situation, that dissipates rather quickly and I'm back at it, but when I crush, i crush. However, in my relationships, once that relationship has ended and the emotional attachment has mostly severed, my desire to hook up with that person is gone as well. I'm 26 and have had 7-8 girls I'd call my "girlfriend" and I've never hooked up with one again after we broke up. I think I mentally end it all and the physical goes with it, despite them being extremely attractive to me still.
Correction: What I meant was I've only had things go awry after sleeping with a guy on the first, second or non-existent date, once. That was the one exception when I slept with a guy early on, walked away thinking we were going to see each other again, and never heard from him afterwards. Every other time we've either kept dating, started to date, or both knew it was a one night stand (or he thought we were going to see each other again and I didn't want to). I know it was poorly worded, but that's why I was shocked to see all the other TiBettes talking about how they've always felt it was a mistake to have sex early on, whether or not they were into the idea. I knew that was the cliche for guys, but I generally haven't experienced it and didn't realize it was actually so common. That sucks. I've been thinking about it and trying to turn this into advice, but I got nothing except the usual "Well, if it happens don't feel bad because then at least you found out he was a tool after only one date, instead of wasting a couple of weeks on the guy. And you got to get laid!" I'm helpful.
New question: After someone gets out of a long term relationship how long do you wait before trying to start talking/moving in the direction of dating? I know its mostly case by case but figured some general" rules" could come out of this.
That's a hard question and there's no real answer. It depends on how long the couple was together, how serious it was, why it ended, the attitudes and mental stability of the people involved, etc. There is this long and pathetic story of how I was totally in love with this guy even though we never dated. I don't really even ever talk about it because it is over and I've moved on. Anyhow, it took me about a year to date someone and actually like them. Like even became love. X, Y, Z...now I'm getting married. Imagine if I were into something more serious- like say this marriage. If El Husband became deployed and caught a bullet at some point, it would take me a long fucking time to be in the correct mental state to even think about dating. So, it's all about context.
Regarding sex and relationships: Spoiler When I was younger the line between having sex and "being in a relationship" was somewhat more blurred and confusing for me. I eventually figured out the difference and was a lot happier and better able to communicate. Years later I met my future wife and we hit it off as friends. She was dating someone else at the time, and living about 500 miles away, so we just chatted. We both LARPed and had lots of mutual friends and so were at least somewhat in the same social circle. Her boyfriend at the time was a friend of mine actually (and still is). Anyway, she eventually broke up with him. A couple months later she came up to visit her family in New England and we wound up sleeping together. It was great. We also talked and were extremely explicit about the fact that we were not in a mutually exclusive or commited relationship. We were friends sleeping together. If she moved back up to this area where she was originally from the way she was pondering, if, then maybe we'd revisit things. I was adamant that she not move up for me and she agreed that that was not the motivating force behind her considering it and so we spent a few months basically flying up or down for visits and great sex. During which time I would, in fact, date, flirt, or sleep with other women. She moved up eventually and then, finally, after all this time and sex we had a big talk and emerged as a couple. It's about 4.5 years later now and we're going strong. Were feelings involved, oh sure, but in terms of whether or not pre-committed sex makes things worse, I don't think so. Or at least, I don't think it does if the people having it don't invest sex with the power to so thoroughly define their future prospects. Some people, and sometimes this included me in the past, can't have sex without it having a "greater meaning". For those people I think sex before invested dating is probably going to make things harder for them in the long run simply because sex has so much extra implications than it does for other people. That's not a moral wrong or even necessarily a personal flaw, it's just the way it is for them and they should strive to understand that about themselves and then live a life that doesn't ignore it. Or work to change it if they can. We don't all need to view sex the same way. The main problem comes when someone who attaches Great Importance To The Act Of Sex sleeps with someone who views sex as fun, intimate, and great, but not necessarily vested with as much future implication. That, or when two GITTAOS people sleep together while one or both are deceiving themselves about how much they attach to the act. A rough analogy to the GITTAOS phenomenon is women who don't give blow jobs because they view it as an expression of Patriarchal domination of women vs. something that feels really great for their sex partner but maybe they don't enjoy doing. So the act of refusal isn't the crux here, it's the reason why. In the first instance, it's attachign this incredible sociological significance to a particular sex act and in the second it's not wanting to do something unfun. "After someone gets out of a long term relationship how long do you wait before trying to start talking/moving in the direction of dating? I know its mostly case by case but figured some general" rules" could come out of this." Do you mean, how long should you wait before trying to date someone else who has exited a relationship or do you mean how long should you wait after personally exiting a relationship to start thinking about dating again?
This has been a confused subject for me for a long time. I have a puritanical background so my views on sex are all cloudy. Sex with emotions attached are definitely better than without for me. Its just a great binding experience. That said one of the best experiences of my life was my first FB situation. It taught me that I could have a good time naked and not have it be some life altering/defining moment that had to have a bunch of attached drama. Itch, Scratch, Rinse, Repeat with a high-five for good measure. In my current situation my SO spent most of her life in the thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em, this is for the moment, lets have a good time mentality. Part of me envies her but she always laments its emptiness and is glad that our relationship carries such weight with it. So I think its totally place in life/what you want dependent. There is no superior path. As for disclosure and signing a form that says, 'This is just mutual masturbation' or 'Access to your genitals means commitment that will be defined as I see fit at a later date and amended whenever the wind redirects' fuck that. Don't delude yourself. People know people. You know what you signed up for based on the circumstances of your acquaintance and how you allow them to treat you. Don't get butthurt because they don't requite your feelings.
In terms of dating, it's not a thought I had considered until 7-8 months after we broke up. It was a 3 year relationship, and it ended because I was going away for 6 months, and the long-distance thing would've been too hard to manage. If I wasn't going away we wouldn't have broken up. We were happy and mostly everything was awesome. I'm still on the trip, but only within the last month or so I've envisioned actually dating someone once I get home. In terms of just hooking up/having one night stands etc. with girls, that's something I readily jumped into about a month or so after the relationship ended. I had started my trip, and I didn't want to spend time moping around and being sad about my relationship ending because I was on a holiday. We've talked about sex not requiring as much of a mental or emotional commitment, but rather just being something that is fun and enjoyable. I've found that by just being in fun situations, those things just come naturally, and the fact that I was coming off a long term relationship was the last thing on my mind.
The best way to get over one girl is to get under another. It's completely a case by case basis. After a break up, I miss the company of someone so I will casually date, screw, hang out etc with a girl immediately but wouldn't persue a serious relationship until I was completely over the original girl. Becoming serious with someone while still having feelings for someone else creates all kinds of fucked up issues.
Truth. I don't think anyone, after a serious relationship ends, is immediately ready to jump into a commitment again...but casually dating and putting the salve on the ego isn't a horrible thing. I also agree that it's totally case by case...some people take months to lick their wounds and recover enough to be well enough to be around others. Other types are faster on the recovery and are better served but having people around them. It also depends, I think, on HOW the serious relationship ends.
That's also true. If you're the one doing the breaking up, it's usually easier to jump back in to the dating pool sooner, since you weren't happy and were looking for a change anyway. However, if you're the one getting dumped/cheated on/what have you, there's a host of other things (confidence/self-esteem/trust/etc) that usually needs to be addressed first. Still, just as most people here have said, it's different for everyone. Whether you're jumping right back into a relationship, hooking up with everyone in sight, or somewhere in-between, just make sure you're being honest with yourself and those around you.
I've always heard it takes a month per year of the expired relationship. As in, if you were in a five year relationship, you should take five months before you get into a new relationship. Seems to work...
A fucking men. Self honesty is even more important than honesty with anyone or anything else. If you're not honest with yourself, you can't know your own motivations.
I think equations like this are hooey. It's been said that if you get laid off, your can expect your job search to last 1 month for every $10k you earned. Who comes up with this bullshit? It's like the "Vatican Penitential Algorithm" for doling out penance. "Let's see, lied 12 times, stole twice, used the Lord's name in vain 23 times...that works out to 6 Our Fathers, 6 Hail Marys and 12 Glory-Bes."
Alright, I'm normally not one for specific, long winded posts, but I was just thrown for such a loop that I need some objective opinion, and I need it like a heroin addict needs to shoot up. I'll try to bullet point it but it might get a little long, bear with me please: I just got done shooting for the day for this reality TV pilot. My friend was having his birthday party at this bar downtown, I wanted to go, it happened to be like 3 blocks from where I was shooting so I decided to just bring my sound gear to the bar. I knew beforehand he had a table in the back so I could just throw it there, it was essentially just a backpack and bag so it wasn't a huge thing. I start talking to my friend (he's the only one I know), I meet his friends, I sit down at the table and start watching football after chatting with all of these people for like an hour. I notice this girl show up, we make eye contact and smile but I don't really do anything, the place was ridiculously loud and I figured that if she knew my friend we could talk afterwords. Later (this part is odd) she comes over to me with this notebook that has a retard smiley face on it and asks if it looks like her, I say "yeah sort of" jokingly and she laughs and says that hurts or something dumb, and then walks away. Weird. I start talking to this one guy about random shit, I think he saw my sound gear, asked what I did, found out what he did etc. Seemed a cool guy. His girlfriend was sitting across the table from us, with this girl from before. Everytime I looked over she was looking at me and then like quickly started talking to the other girl again, too many times to be a coincidence. The bar closes the back part, only the front part is open but we all go outside. This girl and all her girlfriends are outside, so we start talking about what I do and start flirting and all that. She seemed way more interested in me than any girl I've ever talked to for 3 seconds before in my life, and within a minute or two we're about noses close to each other. I'm just going with it, she asks me why I didn't come talk to her earlier, blah blah flirting, but her friends are trying to get her to go home, all my friends leave so it's just me, her, and her two friends who keep whining about her going home. She keeps trying to fend them off, says she'll just take a cab, get home somehow, but they're both super adamant. She starts to give me her number but, my phone is dead, I can't put it in, so I tell her I'm good at remembering numbers so she tells me it again(i'm pretty sure I do). This whole time we're close enough to kiss but we don't, flirt about it, and then finally we both go. I have no idea why this happened, and I am in wtf mode right now. This girl was seriously attractive and actually interesting, and I've never gotten anything like that out of any girl ever in my life for me to not wonder. It was seriously a minute of talking and then bam we're just on each other, and I'd say it was just drinking but i don't think that had so much to do with it. I also got approached by like 4 other girls that night, they were Asian so I had to assume they just wanted a green card/ were having somebody steal my shit while they distracted me, but I still have everything. What in the fuck? I'm a completely average looking guy. Does this make any sense to anyone? Did I just write a chapter of stupid bullshit? Bueller?
3 things you need to figure out immediately. 1. What her relationship with her father is like. 2. Are her ex's still alive and with both of their kidneys. 3. Why her friends are such cockblocking bitches. Now if the first two check out. Let me introduce you to a concept called chemistry. There are also things called pheromones. Sometimes you see people, shit just clicks, both of your bodies tell you that you need to get as close as possible and stay that way. Does this mean you'll marry her and have a long loving relationship? No. But it does mean something will go down and you have some control over the rest. You also could have started that story with "After work, at the bar with my friends...a girl came up to me with a notebook" and we all would have been just dandy. Oh and your initial response should have been something along the lines of "You're drawing is cute, but you look better in person." Thank you, your welcome.