Again, it's an acceptance/approval thing, not a permission/dowry thing, and I think it's more prevalent with women that are close to their families. I doubt I'd date someone that my family disliked long enough to contemplate marrying them, but those would be some awkward holidays if I managed to get that far. Plus, I greatly respect my parents' opinions, and would appreciate their outside input atop my own starry eyed, sex-infused opinion. Their adamant disapproval is a significant part of why my sister didn't marry her skeezy, disease-riddled ex after he got his divorce: dicknuts was banned from our property and any family gathering, and when he told my dad that he planned to wed my sister, my dad said he'd rather shoot him and go to jail. Problem solved. Maybe it's a Southern thing.
I think it's just about courtesy or a respectful gesture. My dad knows damn well that I don't need permission to marry someone, but he would appreciate the gesture of being asked for my hand. Also, I think that if the day comes, my pops is gonna have a pretty hard time. Apparently my mom has only seen him cry 3 times: when I was born, when I moved out at 18 and when my grandma died. I know he'll be emotional when I get married. A man who shakes his hand, looks him in the eye and respects him enough to talk to him about marrying me will probably be enough to soften the blow a little bit.
My next boyfriend or girlfriend will be an orphan. I'm putting that on my OKCupid profile as a mandatory requirement. Or, if they're not an orphan, I will accept estranged parents and/or permanently vegetative parents. I am done with that particular type of relationship stress. Even if they're nice...I don't give a fuck, I don't want to meet them, talk to them, know about them, think about them, or hear about them. Nope, nope, nope. No baggage here. Stop looking at me that way.
The whole idea of having to ask my wife's father first was a bit baffling to me, but she is really close to her dad and it was obvious that my getting his blessing would mean a lot to her, so I did it. What I didn't realize was how much it was going to mean to her dad. While he obviously knew it didn't really matter what he said in response he respected that I came to him and asked for his blessing and it opened up a whole other level of conversation between us as it was the first time he and I sat down and really talked about anything without my wife being right there. It took us beyond polite in-law chit chat I guess and I ended up really glad I did it.
I thought of this thread today when, in a desperate "really have to pee but have to take out tampon first" moment, I accidentally jabbed a thumbnail into my urethra. Fuck sakes.
The fuck?! Back to the topic at hand (pun intended, Angel), my ex-husband asked for permission. My father gave him his blessing. This time, I could give a shit because, well, it's a second goddamn marriage and my dad already gave his blessing to one marriage that didn't work out. But the boyfriend, being old fashioned and southern, insisted he will ask for my father's blessing once more. I wonder how he's going to pull this off without me knowing since my dad's a thousand miles away and he's not planning a trip to Georgia anytime soon.
If he does what I did he'll call the future father in law at work and ask him. Then beg for him not to tell the future mother in law until the question was asked. Also, if your father is anything like my father in law, he will get a sarcastic, "I'm assuming you believe she will say yes." response.
Ex-husband got a "I give you my blessing, I hope you two have a great marriage, but once she gets crazed, and it will happen, you can't bring her back." I'm sure that was meant to be funny. Right?
I'm sorry, but asking a woman's father for his permission OR blessing before marrying her is just plain creepy. You don't need his blessing. If he hasn't given your lady any shit about dating you yet, just go ahead and assume that you have it. Verbally requesting a "blessing" squicks me out. She's (presumably) a grown woman, with a life and a will of her own. Her wants and needs aren't sheltered under the umbrella of Daddy's Vision For His Little Girl (fuck, just typing that makes me want to puke). If she's a normal person, she's been making her own damn decisions for a decade or so...and she probably hasn't been asking her parents for their blessing/permission for any of those decisions, either. So why would you? I mean, I get that tradition is "important" and a lot of people get a nostalgia boner for patriarchal wedding rituals, but just look at what you're actually doing. You're asking a man, verbally, to "bless" (don't get me started on that word) your intention to stick your dick into his daughter for the rest of your life. You're verbally requesting permission to commit to his daughter, to love his daughter, to maybe have kids with his daughter. Why does what he wants matter? Aren't you also a fully-fledged adult, just like his daughter? You don't need permission or "blessings" to be an adult and make adult decisions. My parents are really conservative and I'm sure they'd appreciate the gesture if some dude decided to ask them/just my dad for my hand in marriage. In fact, I'm sure it's something that might be kind of important to them. But, interestingly enough, they've already had their marriage. They had their chance to indulge in all the weirdo traditions (the garter belt thing is another gross one, in my opinion). My life and my decisions don't cater to their wants. I would hope that anyone willing to marry me (POPULATION: ZERO) would recognize that and choose not to engage in that sort of conversation with my parents or my father. *I recognize that several women in this thread encourage their soon-to-be fiancé to ask their father/parents for permission/blessings before a proposal. If it's important to you, then he should maybe do it. But I just cannot comprehend why something like that would ever be an important part of the engagement process for you.
Obviously I have no choice in this matter assuming I marry anyone within a tri-state area. I always looked asking as an unspoken man to man conversation about the father being comfortable with me being the one who his daughter will now look to for unconditional support, nothing like "Is it cool if I bang your daughter forever?"
Keep in mind that it's a blessing, and not permission. Consider it to be a courtesy between two adults, which may open doors in the relationship between the father-in-law and groom-to-be. If it's not your cup of tea, I get it. It is old-fashioned, and it certainly isn't necessary. But so are a lot of other things in life, many of which we simply don't get our back up about. For the record, I asked my father-in-law for his blessing. The man was dying of cancer, and I wanted to show him the courtesy of letting him know how much his daughter means to me, and that she'll be taken care of once he's gone. Until that point, him and I hadn't always seen eye to eye. After that point, we were very close. It's surprising what such a simple gesture can do.
My husband asked my sister for my hand. Keep in mind, I have two wonderful, very much alive parents who are still married to each other, and with whom my husband gets along very well. After all the excitement had died down and I wondered aloud why my sister and not one or both of my parents, his response was simply: "I know who calls the shots in this family." Dead fucking on! (Interestingly, and in a total surprise to me, my dad had no comment on the asking permission scenario but my mom was a bit miffed my dad was not asked. She got over it.)
FTFY. This is pretty much it. I'd expect whoever it was to ask my mother, not my father*, for her blessing. *haven't seen my real dad in years, and he has no bearing, nor does my stepfather.
It seems pretty cut and dried to me -- if the marriage is going to affect their life, or they're going to be a big part of yours, it's reasonable to give the parents a heads up. Especially if they're going to be paying for some portion of the wedding, or you'll be using a family ring. If you're not planning on ever seeing them, it doesn't matter if you let them know, so it's not an issue either way.
I asked my future father in law and brother in law both at the same time if they had any problems with me giving her a ring--all over cigars and bourbon. It wasn't so much, "Can I do this?" as it was, "How do you feel about her getting a ring?" I've got a great relationship with both of them, so I knew neither would have a problem, and it ended up meaning a lot to her brother that I included him in the conversation.
I actually think this is the key part of why someone would do it. It's sort of a two factor test. 1) Would it make the dad feel better? 2) Would your prospective wife appreciate it? Both answers are yes? Go for it. Ask the dad. It makes some people feel nice and costs you a conversation. Weight heavily on your prospective wife's feelings here. If your girlfriend, on the other hand, thinks it's a terrible thing or otherwise disapproves then you don't do it. As for the "why," I suspect it's somewhat variable. My wife is very close to her family, enjoys some wedding traditions, and would have enjoyed the thought that the marriage proposal was something planned and considered beforehand instead of something spur of the moment. Of course she preempted all of that by asking me first so I never got the chance, but that's a different story. Presumably, someone looking to marry you, Pinkcup, would have enough respect for your feelings to not ask your dad first and if your dad had a problem with that then your partner gets to demonstrate how they value you over him. Or you talk about it and decide to do a sham "asking" to placate the old man to avoid familial stress. Or whatever. Of course, I say this all as the guy who married a woman close to her family while I tend to avoid the shit out of mine.
This is all well and good, but the fact that we don't traditionally ask a woman's mother for her hand in marriage isn't a coincidence.
Same with the fact that the guy asks the question, not the girl. And the guy buys the ring, not the girl. There's a lot of creepy, misogynistic shit that still goes into marriage. Unless you're going to go completely against the grain and do everything differently, trying to pick out and analyze the reason for each stupid tradition is a fool's errand. Especially when it comes to something like asking the dad which is easy, free and almost always (unless you're proposing to Pinkcup) does more good than harm. But most importantly, and I can't believe I didn't say this before: GTE, do you have anyone on the "inside" (friend of the parents or GF) you can ask if they're the type of people that would want you to ask the dad first? It is definitely a personal preference and someone close to them will know better than we will, but I still stick by my initial point that if you're in doubt just ask him.
This is the way I see it too. When the time comes for me to propose to my girlfriend I'm planning on having a chat with her dad first, simply because I know they are very close (she is closer to him than with her mom) and she comes from a rather traditional family- her parents are from western Kansas. It's not a "yes or no" answer thing, but something I'd do out of respect because I know he would appreciate it.
Not really. Or, not anyone that I'm close to or I'd trust to not spill the beans. Her parents are still together, but she's not super close to them. They usually drive her nuts but I guess that's to be expected. Anyways, her Dad came up this weekend but we never had more than a few seconds alone to even try to talk about it. So.... that answers that. I honestly don't think he'll even give it a thought as he doesn't seem to be that type of guy at all. Thanks for all the thoughts and opinions everyone. This weekend can't get here fast enough.