So I got drunk last night, and due to a number of factors (including, but not limited to, my friend Emily, gin, and a really sad short film about Alzheimer's) I basically told Boyfriend that I want to marry him. Not in the put-a-ring-on-it way, just the I-think-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you way. His reaction was not the best or the worst I could have imagined. He seemed a little shocked and was unnervingly quiet. I see this having one of these three outcomes: 1) He will decide to reciprocate the sentiment. 2) We will pretend it didn't happen. 3) He will retreat in fear. Did I just do a Bad Thing? Or is this a normal part of a serious relationship? Help me, wise internet strangers!
No one likes that conversation while a party is drunk. Assuming you guys have been together a while, are using L-words a lot and know each other's families, reinforce that conversation with what you're actually thinking in a practical way. Do not turn it into "I want to possess you for ever and ever.", but more like "I enjoy fantasizing about us being old together." or "I like where this is heading and I could see us having that kind of a future together." I will say that you just forced him to view the relationship in a more serious light, and that can be awkward, especially if he's not where you are, which is likely. You might have done a bad thing, but quiet isn't necessarily bad. Speaking personally, I hate having that conversation more than anything else because Detective Girlfriend is ready to be married (and it's been almost four years, so that's fair), but I am not. I can also say that whatever his reaction, DON'T FREAK OUT. His mind can change, nothing he says now is a game-changer, so even if it's not the romantic princess tale you've been waiting for your whole life, don't flip your shit and look for the door. The odds that you both are on the same page are low if you haven't had the "Well, marriage is at least on the table for me" conversation, so be prepared for him to explain just how far away he is from that idea.
I've been married for many many years, and tend to have a pretty masculine perspective about things like this, so take it with a grain of salt, but is there any way you can NOT worry about this? It's not bad, it's not good, it just was. If it bugs you that much, try talking to him in the light of day, sans alcohol. I have friends that are still single (read then: super desparate, old and single), and I'm still seeing the same patterns with them as back when I was dating: Girl wants to relationship to progress, Society and the Dude say that he's the one that's reluctant to commit, Girl agonizes over whether he loves her enough, and ____________ (insert outcome). I'm not saying that's your relationship, but that's kind of what's reflected in your post. I don't think marriage should be seen as some sort of end goal that (mostly women) can't wait to get to...relationships should be like a fun roadtrips that maybe or maybe not have a final destination. Fuck it. If you guys mutually decide to get married, then so be it. If it's not meant to be, then it won't be. All you can do is be yourself and enjoy the relationship/roadtrip until then, no sense in worrying over it.
We've already had the marriage is on the table conversation, have been together for almost 3 years and living together for 2 of them. His family has granted me honorary aunt status to his niece and we have been attending each others' family events since the beginning. Things are pretty serious. I just decided (because I was mushy and drunk and silly) that he needed to know about the epiphany I had about wanting to grow old together. (Barf, I know). You're right, I shouldn't worry, I just really hope I didn't freak him out or make him feel unnecessary marriage obligation or something.
Tell him this. Open communication is GOOD. It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. You could even make it humorous. "hey Dude, so after that conversation last night, so I need you to come with me on Tuesday morning to meet the florist. I'm not saying we have to MAKE DECISIONS or anything like that, just that we need to narrow some of the options down. BAHAHAHA! I joke, I joke. Seriously though, didn't mean to freak you out the other night. No pressures, let's just keep on having a great relationship." or whatever works for you.
I'm having the complete opposite type of freakout. The Harley dude said a couple weeks ago that he could see him spending the rest of his life with me. Also asked me how big of a deal it would be to me to up & move to Arizona this fall. We've known each other for 20+ years (high school) but have only been dating a few months. Not living together, no talking or texting daily, any of that, just casual dating (already had the monogamous talk, the tests, etc., yeah, I lurk & read stuff!). Both of us have lives outside of each other, and are in no rush (he's been married, I was the closest thing to for 7 years). He freaks out if he texts me and I don't reply within the hour. But it's okay if I text him & he's out & he doesn't reply for four hours. And I freaking hate the double standard on that. *sigh* So this drunken statement has me floored. I know his family & they love me (I remember you! You're the one who drove him to the strip bar as the designated driver for his birthday 3 years ago! Which by the way was very awkward because I was living with my now ex at the time, and had his truck because he had my car!), we do the family thing together if it works out timewise, if not, then he goes to his, I go to mine. I like the no pressure, if we see each other, we see each other, but we still make plans to see each other deal. Could I see myself with him long term? Most certainly. I'm 50% sure that the statements were made under the influence of Jack Daniels, but he has since hinted at the moving thing again, and the night I left my phone in the car & didn't respond for over 2 hours, I got a text, "I tell you I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you, and you can't even respond to my texts?" Any freaking insight would be helpful.
Crazy as in controlling, low self esteem, and too quick to have "deep" emotions with someone he actually doesn't know that well. The stuff much drama and alcohol is built upon.
This gives me the heebie jeebies, because who says shit like that via text and then complains you don't text back how much you adore him and you would love to? Dude, that is an extremely important conversation that should be had face to face, not "hEy, I LuV U, wan 2 muv 2 RiZonA w/me?" (Fuck that's hard to type.) Also, the double standard exists regarding communication exists because of guilt or control, neither of which are good signs. Drunken admissions of love, asking to move far away, controlling lines of communication....this sounds like an episode of Cops waiting to happen. Someone more qualified than me could attest, but this smells like an abusive situation in the making.
How frequently does he do stuff like this? If it's once every couple of months when drunk he's probably just not good at expressing himself and blows it horribly. You should still tell him to knock it off, but I wouldn't read much more into it than biker dude having a hard time talking about his feelings, lets it bottle up to the point of explosion and freaks out when he doesn't get a quick response, because in his mind he's been waiting for it for a while. Again, not the greatest of behaviors, but something you can work on. If this is on a daily or weekly basis, run, run for the hills. Things will only get way worse if you move in together.
Seriously, not a good sign.I have dated this guy, it doesn't get better. One day you are debating calling the cops while he's in a rage, locked in the bedroom hoping he calms down because he will be REALLY angry you involved the police.
I have a policy about not having serious conversations with drunk people. Anything serious that comes up while drinking is something to revisit when sober. So I'd recommend that to both of the "I could see myself getting married someday" posters. I think it's more likely that SisterKathLouise's situation will work out fine, with just a followup talk. Stuff like that, after a certain point, is sort of inevitable I think, as a relationship continues longterm. My wife and I used to say stuff like that to each other and it's a way to show that we're thinking of the future together and so on. Just, you know, have a low-key check in about it. Nettie's seems more strange, but before overreacting, try having the "the double standard bothers me" talk and maybe see if there's an underlying insecurity worth addressing. How that talk goes should tell you a lot about how the future will look if you stay together. It's a means of communication and problem resolution, but also a diagnostic tool for the relationship. Good luck to you both!
One sentence and I know this man. This is simple: he's a douchebag who wants total control. He cares entirely for himself and is insecure at the same time. I don't have to say anything else, you are in a dead-end relationship with an idiot. EDIT: Make sure he never knows about this place.
Just as a general rule of thumb, I hate people that do this. I don't always have my phone on me, and if I'm doing stuff I'm certainly not checking my phone. If you really need to talk to me, call me. But if we didn't have plans, then I might be out doing stuff and can't get to the freaking phone.
Yes. This. YES YES YES. Crazy, controlling, and get the fuck out. It's just this one thing now, it escalates.
You were all right, I was worrying unnecessarily. I apologized for trying to talk about important things while drunk, we talked about it, he said he wasn't going to run for the hills, and then we had sex. He's also been pretty lovey since my drunken confession, so I'll take that as a good indicator of him not freaking out. This is the first serious relationship I've ever been in, so each new step seems like a pretty big deal, even if it's par for the course, so thank you all for talking me through my little panic.
The kiddo asked me to have a spa night tonight, and I'm kind of a gross person so I have no idea what this entails. My idea of self-pampering involves prolonged masturabtion and maybe removing all the chipped toenail polish from my feet and then reading something edifying but boring. Like Kant. Other than painting nails, what other sorts of things do y'all suggest? I am going to give her a bubble bath instead of a quick shower (she needs it...she is unusually smelly tonight) and then paint her nails. But I'm kind of lost. I am looking at face masks on Pinterest, but I just don't know if they'd be safe for young skin.
Question for all... Any ideas on how I can determine my girl's ring size without her knowing? She doesn't really have or wear any, and definitely not on that finger.