I had a thought: My wife made a joke a couple of days ago after she'd come to watch my Muay Thai class. There is this girl that comes there that is attractive. German girl. Smart, athletic, well traveled, speaks several languages, etc. The joke revolved around her being my gym girlfriend. I guess its a matter of how much my relationship has progressed that we can joke about such things and there not be much to them... I digress. This young woman and my wife - I wouldn't cheat on my wife with her because of what it would 1. Take away from my wife. 2. Take away from me. 3. Oddly enough what it would take away from this girl. See, I like her. I respect her. I have fun sparring with her. I like it when she tells us about her adventures traveling. I hope the best for her and her life. If I used her to get off with what would I take from her? Perhaps her new home here? Her self respect? Her dignity? Maybe not now but in the quiet moments of her life to come for sure I would. What do I replace that with? If I'm the kind of man that would cheat on his wife I can tell you that I'd have absolutely nothing to replace it with. Ask yourself, 'Who am I?' That's it man. That's all. Who the fuck are you? Who do you want to be?
You're not his friend. Get that out of the way. If you were his friend, you would have separated yourself from his girlfriend's cheating long before you went down this road. If you were close, really close, you would have told him about her cheating ways.. If you're honest, you probably saw your situation coming from a mile away if you were helping her cover this shit up. I don't think you have a lot to lose in the way of this guy's friendship. When the shoe falls, and it will, you're going to look like guy who helped another guy's girlfriend cheat. Because that's what you did. There's no way you and this dude will be friends when all of that cuts loose. You'll both be better off for it. So, that leaves you with a woman who is your friend that you haven't fucked, but you'd like to fuck, who is in a relationship. You can do it and pretty much guarantee that your friendship will crumble. You can talk to her about it and make very clear boundaries and try to salvage a friendship with her and build a friendship with him, and try to make something honest and real work, but it will probably fall apart. She could easily look at this as a way to sever her ties with you and if this is the case, no amount of logical and rational thinking will change that. If it were me, I'd address the issue between you and her, let her know where your personal boundaries lie with her cheating, and go over what's non-negotiable. This is going to be largely structured around your integrity. Then cut off communication for at least a month and see what happens. She'll either get the message and try to move forward, cut you out completely, or ignore what you said. In either instance, you will at least walk away from this with some level of dignity.
I’d like to interject here that there are all kinds of reasons why people cheat and not all of those reasons lead directly to “shameless whore with Daddy issues” or “irreparably broken”. Sometimes people are naturally non-monogamous but they don’t realize it until they’re knee-deep in a relationship where kids and finances and family are involved. Sometimes they’re completely neglected by their spouse and despite their best efforts their spouse won’t change. I’m not condoning or condemning GC’s behaviour, but the vitriol that suggests everyone who strays or everyone who’s The Other Person is a worthless sack of shit irks me. Especially knowing the level of hypocrisy involved. Throughout my life I’ve known men and women who cheated and/or were the other person. I’ve also lived in areas where I got to observe people who were separated from their spouses for significant periods of time. All my life experience has taught me this: ANYONE can and will cheat given the right circumstance. Cheating doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. And being The Other Person does not mean that you are somehow responsible for the behaviour or morals of someone else. This is a bit of a tangent, but I just had to throw it in there.
Out of all the length posts you've read about your conduct GC, moral and otherwise. This is by far the most accurate. If you were her friend first and met him through her, well then you're not breaking any guy code. That isn't your buddy's gf, that is your buddy's bf. With that said, if she cheats all the time, and this guy is such a great guy, this chick just likes to cheat. This gets verified by the fact she did this when old boy was 5 minutes, 20 feet away from you. She enjoys the thrill of this shit, she enjoys the thrill of maybe getting caught. Take the simplest of facts (Occam's Razor) into consideration, make your decision there. There are people that have fucked someone in a special circumstance in life, then have gone on to date, then marry that person, have kids, and live happily every after. Not saying this is one of them, but it doesn't making you a scumbag or a terrible person, unless this becomes a thing you do. Yeah, off the high horses, 55+% of people have cheated, will cheat or are currently cheating in their lives. That's a majority. Google it or Bing it.
What is wrong with everyone? How is looking down on cheaters or people who get involved with one being "up on a high horse?" Has fidelity and morality degraded that much? Sorry, but that's a load of bullshit. Not everyone cheats or will cheat. People fuck up and make mistakes, but some people just don't do that no matter the circumstances. And yeah, you might still love your partner if you cheat, but I can't think of a worse way of expressing it. And the fact that the majority of society has done it? That doesn't justify or satisfy anything. That would be like saying that if the majority of society is racist, then so be it.
Agreed. There are many who don't. I don't care who does and who doesn't. It's none of my concern. I just know that I don't do it, and never have.
You were on the victim of a momentary lapse of indiscretion initiated by her until you conspired to continue "after he goes to sleep". If you were sober enough to come up with a plan, then you were sober enough to know better.
In fairness to him, it might not have been a great plan. I've made plenty of plans that made perfectly good sense when I was drunk off my ass and went to "what the fuck was I thinking" when I sobered up.
I believe I said I was neither condoning or condemning, just pointing out that the vitriol associated with it is at best unhelpful and at worse hypocritical. You never know what cards life will deal you. You can say, “I personally never have and I can’t foresee doing it right now,” but it’s not really fair to say, “You’re a sack of shit and I hope you get what’s coming to you.” And another tangent, but let's not pretend that the majority of society isn't racist. Look at the prison system if you think that racism isn't pretty much one of the biggest problems when it comes to arresting people. My point isn't to say that racism (or cheating) is right; my point is that pretending it's not happening is hypocricy.
No one is looking for a comeuppance for GC, youre right in that its not productive. But his regret and anxiety over it isn't very genuine when he's debating whether continue the affair out of the other side of his mouth. It's hard to have sympathy for that perspective. And we all somehow put our societal racism on hold just long enough to elect a black guy. Twice.
If you think one black president in the centuries the US has existed means that there isn't rampant, systemic racism throughout your (and other) countries, then...yeah. Okay. /off topic.
Yeahhhh, that's a silly argument. As someone who has cheated and been cheated on, my advice is to figure out how much you value that nut, man. He's not your friend, so I agree that you're not breaking guy code. You just have to shoulder the consequences if things go bad. And those consequences could be him savagely beating you or killing you, or the sex souring the friendship entirely, or your self-respect plummeting (unlikely, however, given your impressive rationalization thus far). Also, to chime in on the other debate, it's one thing to say cheating is wrong, I don't do it. It's another to argue that people who cheat are the scum of the earth, etc., etc.. I think the fact that you came online to talk about this with a bunch of strangers or near strangers suggests that keeping this kind of secret may be beyond you. Best of luck.
Uh. Only about half the adult population votes. And only half of that population voted for the black guy. And if we assume you can't be consciously racist under the age of, say, 14, we have another ~7% of the population who can't yet vote. So we're down to ~18% of the population who you are suggesting provided evidence that they are not racist. And that's if you make the big leap that no person who voted Democrat in the election did so because he was the Democratic candidate, in spite of his race. That no Democrat who voted on party lines could be racist but had no option for a white candidate. Anyway... /offtopic.
Hey ladies - I have had my period for about two weeks now and it is getting annoying. Any suggestions? /ontopic (I don't really want answers I was just trying to deflect the current debate and panicked)
That happened to me once! And then two weeks after it stopped, it did it again. And then 2 weeks after it stopped, it did it again....for 2.5 months. That's about the time I went on hormonal BC.
Happened to me last year in a mis-guided "back-to-back my Nuvaring to avoid having a period one month, only to get two back-to-back periods the next month" endeavour. I sympathize. By the end of the two weeks, I wanted to murder puppies. I also applaud your efforts to get this shit back on track. You're a good woman, mya.
The point was: its kinda difficult to absolve oneself of responsibility because "I was drunk" and "well she made the first move" when you're also upset that the bf being up all night ruined the plans you made to betray him. Its a weak excuse all around.
I dunno where else to put this: I need some help. The Girlfriend has expressed a desire for some...unmentionable things. I'm more than happy to spend money on this, but the problem is shipping to fucking Korea is a nightmare (about $50/item on most sites and they will open things not labelled 'gift'). Also, given the nature of such things, it's not like I can ask my mom to package them together with some cookies and a family photo. So....courier service? Anyone want to trade some postal/packaging work for an Amazon gift list/Paypal cash? Any ideas?