There's no satisfying these girls when they start bringing up hypotheticals. Like this one time, a girl asks me, "Would you feel the same way about me if I was handicapped?" "That's crazy baby," I told her. "I would leave you if you gained five more pounds." Man, was she livid. "Haha, I'm just kidding baby. I'd prefer it." ... Like I said, there's no satisfying these girls.
She says: 'Oh, it's sooooo cute.' And you're naked. My boyfriend wants to watch. And maybe join in. We need to go to Target.* * The reason this is so bad is when we (my wife and I) go to Target, even with a list, it's an hour and a half of my life just gone. I never buy anything there, but she comes up with all this crazy shit that we suddenly 'need' even though we have been getting along fine with whatever thing it is. And it's only at Target, everywhere else, my wife has the same attitude about shopping, get in, get what you need, get out. Or maybe that's my attitude on sex. Whatever.
"I have an idea." This is especially bad after she's spent the weekend watching some marathon of home-improvement shows on TLC.
- "I watched hockey with you yesterday, so tonight I get to watch, [Insert Lame Reality TV Show Here]". - "Can we stop at IKEA? It'll only take a minute." - "I'm having another slice of cake." - "I had a dream about [insert my friend's name here] last night." - "I didn't have time to shave this morning."
A real one I got a few weeks ago: "I met with a Catholic Priest yesterday to discuss whether I should have an abortion."
"We don't communicate!" - in my experience, this was code for "I have been getting angry with something that you have been doing and, justifiably or not, I now want to kill you for being oblivious to the fact that this is the case" "I'm just going to pop in here to look at something, I'll be a minute" - say bye to two hours of your life, unless there is a drinking hole nearby "[Her friend's] boyfriend did [something fucking annoying, faggoty and probably untrue]" - cue endless nagging about the inadequacy of her current situation, of your performance of boyfriendly duties, the size of your cock, having a hairline that has just started receding, that time you told a tasteless joke to her brother and anything else residing in the memory tank of the Bitch-O-Matic 3000 "I don't like how much you drink" - replying with "I don't like how much you fucking talk, fetch me a scotch" doesn't have the desired outcome of a tasty beverage delivered in silence. Unfortunately.
Can't we just lay here and cuddle? I wish you would talk about your feelings If you don't come over and fuck me right now you'll never get to again!* *This really happened. Though to be perfectly fair she said this after calling me drunk 8 times at 4 am to wake me up. I was not amused.
I can't get knocked up while I'm pregnant.... (And my trailer is a perfect target for tornadoes. Bring it, baby....)
Mundane shit and a bit off focus, but the old guys will feel the pain. “Did you put the rubbish out?” Asked just as you get into bed, rather than before you took your shoes and clothes off. And don’t be fooled this isn’t a question, it’s a demand. “Did you vacuum like I asked?” Well bitch/sweety if you can’t tell by looking did it really need doing? BTW don’t try saying this because “Your not as funny as you think you are” “My mother’s dog died and she wants you to bury it for her” “Can I use her wood chipper?” (Smelled worse dead than alive, which was quite an achievement and no, I wasn’t permitted to utilise the chipper) “I think we should get a cat”.... "As long as I can get a chipper" Just in case things don't work out.
"You're such a nice guy!" Translation: the only way I will ever fuck you is when you're old enough (further translation: make enough money) to put a ginormous rock on my left pinkie and my pussy is so worn out from years of slutting around that you won't be able to feel anything anyways. Yes, this happened last night, no I wasn't trying to be nice, and yes I'm still bitter about it.