The Dark Tower (entire series): Gunslinger with a phallic obsession seeks a tower inhabited by a lunatic; meets a black woman, a drug addict, and a young boy. Hero of story gets eaten by a spider. Gunslinger terrorizes Stephen King; loses his friends, and discovers the tower is merely his attic. Gunslinger learns nothing from journey.
My best from the RMMB thread: Deep Impact: Black man elected president. Civilization nearly destroyed.
This reminds me of my favourite headline from The Onion during the 2008 presidential race: "Black man asks nation for change."
Inglourious Basterds: Murder is wrong, unless you've got a really good reason for it. Gasland: Corporations provide natural gas for free to rural residents. Platoon: A young man travels to the jungle to discover self; kills locals, chain of command. Unforgiven: Law enforcement officer, deputies, entrepreneur murdered by hitman in employ of prostitutes. The Road Warrior: Life in Australia unaffected by global gas shortages.
Bridget Jones' Diary: A wax figurine eats a bunch of lemons and gets an office job. The Exorcist: The harrowing tale of a young girl's developing addiction to methamphetamine, and the ensuing intervention. The Skeleton Key: Thems black peoples hidin' in dem white peoples. From the website: Actually, Love, Actually: My girlfriend's eyes are so glazed over with retard love that she doesn't realize I just vomited on her lap.
Beauty and the Beast: Romantic Stockholm Syndrome! Sleeping Beauty: Romantic date rape! The Princess and the Frog: Romantic bestiality! The Little Mermaid: Beautiful young woman barred from talking, finds true love. The Ugly Duckling: Young female is ugly and mocked. Becomes beautiful and praised. The Giving Tree: Young boy strips tree of fruit, leaves and branches. Cuts it down and relaxes on corpse.
American Beauty: Annoying chick dates drug dealer so she can afford a breast reduction, obviously a satanist as who gets smaller breasts. Lassie: Well exacts long awaited revenge on retarded boy. How to Train Your Dragon: Disabled animals are just as funny as disabled people. The Artist: The French having nothing left, surrender sound to the invading German. Singular non-appearing German. Teen Wolf: Unwanted body hair plagues young men as well as old.
The Road: When the canned peaches and SPAM run, out you're all fucked. The Green Mile: Large black man fondles white man's testicles, French kisses prison guard, and dies at the end. Big: Young man discovers that being an adult sucks ass.
I was thinking more along the lines of: older woman sleeps with child that looks older than he is. Struggles with her growing pedophelia.
The Blind Side: Escaping racial and economic disparities is dependent on finding yourself a white woman and Taco Bell franchises.
Star Wars: a whiny kid eventually finds some balls through incestuous attraction and learning to fight. Interview with the vampire: homoerotic vampires enter ethical battles over pedophilia since she is 12 forever. Se7en: two detectives learn biblical lessons through alternative Sunday school curriculum.
Fight Club: Schizophrenic gets in a fight with himself, begins a feud that gets a bunch of people killed. Mission:Impossible : Spy clears his name of treason by committing espionage and conspiracy. Twilight: Immortal pedophile with a Peter Pan complex proves that you can be centuries old and still retarded. Dune: Spoiled noble sees future and way to save humanity, pussies out and leaves his son to do it. Revenge of the Sith: Political savvy proven to be more valuable than mystic abilities; guardians of the galaxy debate philosophy while archenemy builds an empire under their noses.
Up: Delusional old man commits crimes, kidnaps child, and invades foreign air space in a sad attempt to add excitement to his miserable life.
The Road, Screamers, Mad Max trilogy, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Dune, Enemy Mine, Tank Girl: In the future everything is filthy and every person alive is a scumbag. The end.
Aladdin: boy with low self esteem gets help from magical PUA; learns to peacock and act like an alpha male; ends up with girl way out of his league. Avatar: white man assumes leadership of 'ethnics', gets blue pussy, saves day. It: 3 mates gang rape a pre-teen girl, forming a bond of friendship that will last a lifetime. Girl is totally fine.