Kinda sounds like your sample size is 3, of which one was an excellent person, and one you likely should have weeded out yourself - I'm not saying that everyone 30+ who is still trying to make it as a bass player are going to be of a certain mold... but there's a pretty good chance. Regardless, I think a lot of fully functioning human beings trying to date as adults run into the same problem that is in evidence above. If you're a self-reliant adult with all of your shit together, your bullshit tolerance is lower. So you take yourself out of the dating pool, further increasing the ratio of stupid:awesome, which perpetuates the cycle. The dating scene I see is horrible. I'm not sure what I'd do if my partner and I split up.
It was framed as a way to try and trick me into a three way. One thing about talking to me is that I'm going to let you dig a hole if you're intent upon digging it. So he wanted to send me a video, I didn't say no. Then he sends me no less than 20 videos. It wasn't like, let's send one and see how it's received. I guess he was proud of it or something. I couldn't tell you for sure. He asked if I liked them and I'm like "I've never been so glad that I said you couldn't video us" to which he replied "I never would have shared ours." Y'all. I can't deal with stuff like this. I'm not built for it.
My sample size is larger than 3, those are just the only ones that I considered it to be a pseudo-relationship. Never official because who labels things anymore?! (I'm being sarcastic but I don't remember how to quantify that without emojis or memes.) The others were shorter lived. I'm not ashamed of enjoying sex with people. I get tested. Things are on the up and up. Ultimately though, I'm ready for another relationship and it's very frustrating trying to find one via online dating. I live in a town of 1200 people and I'm not saying there's no one within this population but it's unlikely. Anyway, I've decided for the time being I'm just going to hang out at home and watch scary movies while I knit. It's fine.
My current approach is "stop trying to make it happen". Don't go looking to date, just get out there and follow your interests. At some point I hope to run into someone with the same interests that I click with naturally. It's almost worked once so far... she was pretty cool but had a pretty weird headspace around home schooling that was a deal breaker, so despite a ton of natural chemistry it was a "no go" and she ended up marrying some other guy. Good on her. So yeah... I'm not making it a priority to find someone... but I'm doing some things to increase my exposure to people that may be of interest. In the meantime, I am fully enjoying my life on my own.
The other thing that is a "Must Have" is that they have to bring something to the relationship. It's half them, not 90% me. If life has taught me anything, it's that.
Don't forget LED lights for the commode. My wife seems to be some sort of counselor for a friend of ours (41 yrs old?) and my youngest sister (mid 40s) as they are navigating a dating scene. My sister - post divorce of 10 years to an absolute narcissist of a woman - is going back to dating men and apparently has a FWB of some sorts (I only catch bits and pieces of their conversations, I'm not trying to hear all those intimate details) that's she's been seeing for a couple of months and is afraid to ask any questions of this guy about any kind of loose commitment. The friend is in an off/on relationship (that was years long) with a dude she was serious with for a while and now things have cooled back down to pretty much just dating but she has other prospects but isn't sure about. I guess what I'm trying to say is if something ever ends my marriage with my wife, I think the dating scene is a no-go for me. I'm too damn old for that kind of BS.
That's what I'm trying to do currently. I just want to reiterate that I started dating my late husband when I was a senior in high school and he died when I was 35. Literally half of my life was as a wife or the equivalent so it's very hard for me to wrap my mind around something in between friends and an actual relationship. That's not on anyone but me but it's still annoying. I do also want to point out that for my entire adult life I've had a significant other and I've never had to go without sexual intimacy and that's the hardest part for me. I don't mean that in any way other than sexual but since I was 17 years old I've had a partner and I've never wanted for someone to sleep with. There are lots of other emotional things that aren't worth getting into but that one is by far the hardest thing for me.
The answer to both of those questions is 'for the right price, yes.'... at least based on my "research".
You've been gone for a bit but I have some similar stuff going on with some friends of mine. One of my best friends since we were teens is dying of cancer. While he has some experience, his wife met him when she was 18 and has only been with one other guy, one time. She is terrified of ever being back in the dating scene. Goes without saying that I'm sorry you're going thru all this shit
Every four years, the Olympic Games gather the world’s finest assemblage of asses that the world has to offer. This alone holds my interest long past the time I’ve grown bored with the 5,437th diving event.