I have that big Irish wedding tomorrow. Ill try to film any fist fights for you guys. It's friday night and my daughter is finally done with her weekly Sleep-Screaming session (she screams in her sleep), Daddy's gonna go get HIGH now. Black Jesus if you read this: mojito mint has sprung up in the backyard. At my disposal now. Summer begins.
We were both frightened and cracked up laughin at the same time, because it was like that screaming lamb one minute, then she's sawing toothpicks the next second. Then.... "AUGH!!! AUGH!!!!! AUGH!!!!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....." It's kinda cool, but it is Uncool at 3 am. Usually once every seven days or so.
What the fuck is up with these Dewar's commercials, where Brandi Svenning is talking with a shitty Scottish accent? Who the fuck is Angus?
My God how your parents failed you. Are you right handed? When you go to wipe your ass, you lean to the left and your cheeks spread apart for optimal wiping. Your hand never drops below seat level really. I have never in my life wiped my arm down the toilet seat and don't see how that is possible.
My uncle, 20 years old: That's his Distinguished Service Cross in his headstone. I still have his dog tags with blood on them. The long and short of it is Uncle O'Neil was a medic. He ran into a mine field time and time again under enemy fire to drag his wounded buddies to safety. On his 5th or 6th trip to save another comrade, he stepped on a land mine and that was that. 5 or 6 young men got to go on, raise families, and hopefully have good lives thanks to the actions of this heroic young man. There are countless others who made the same sacrifice as my uncle, many who didn't get a shiny chunk of metal to place on their headstone. I raise a toast to all those men and women. /OK, I'm done. Back to drunk blathering.
When my father was working in Beijing the employees would squat with their feet on the toilet lid. They'd wipe with their hands and the smear them all over the stall walls, so they had to train them to you know, not do that. I just don't understand how when there are both sinks and toilet paper available they still used their hands and 'cleaned them' on the walls. Public bathrooms in that country are a horror I can't begin to describe.
An intubated Mexican. Bet you'd make a crazy amount of sympathy pesos if you worked under a tent on a cruise ship pier.
I bought a baby monitor to keep an ear on my aunt during the night. I'm still debating the wisdom of this decision because she can't make a sound without me hearing it. I'm used to the all night conversations with folks I can't see, but last night she started loudly clearing her throat and I woke up in complete darkness and somewhat confused. I thought there was fucking dragon in my room.
Baby monitors are the devil's instrument. I swear those things pick up the sound of your child blinking their eyes and funnel it though a secret gigantic amplifier into your ears at the other end with the decibel level of the Tsar Bomba. I remember one night waking up, pointing and shouting at the thing SOMEDAY WE WON'T NEED YOU AND I WILL KILL THE LIVING FUCK OUT YOU!!!! My wife thought I shouted it at her because she was still asleep and it scared the piss out of her. I still got to eventually Office Space the fucking thing, though.
This is exactly how I wipe and it didn't require any teaching - it just came to me naturally as the most efficient way to wipe my ass. The only people I've ever known to wipe while standing are the mentally retarded - and I mean that literally and not as invective.
Sitting vs. Standing: I was 15 and took a shit in a locker room stall, when I stood up to wipe my ass I towered over the divider walls. I was greeted by my teammates loudly asking what the fuck I was doing. "I'm wiping my fucking ass. What the fuck are you doing watching me? Fags." I was greeted with howls of laughter and my buddies asking me if that was how I learned to shit...by standing up and calling my mommy to wipe my ass when I was done. I thought about it and yeah, that's exactly how I learned to stand up and wipe. "I'm done pooping, come clean me up mommy." Since that day I've remained seated, listed to one side and wiped. Any guy that stands after adulthood might have some unresolved Freudian issues. Seriously, why the fuck would you do that?
So I had no internet from Monday until yesterday, because the Municipality decided to surge the power for 30-45 minutes and basically fried most of the electronics that were using a 2-pin plug. So bye-bye router, hi-fi, alarm clock, anti-surge plugs/multi-plugs, etc.. Now I have a wireless router instead. Fuck the Municipality (or any monopoly) controlling power. I am all for independent companies controlling power distribution and supply - at least then you can switch providers and maybe get better service.
I slightly burned my face trying to grab my shoes out of a fire. I threw them in there. How amazing am I?
I wipe standing up for the same reason you plebs lean from side to side, only way more efficiently. Have fun getting poop on your legs and balls I guess.