Weekend Drunk Thread 6/28

Thank you for reminding me why I don't post pictures of or statuses about my kid on Facebook.

 

Yeah... It's funny, I feel like up until the apocalypse you're safest if you can keep at least a few hundred miles between yourself and toytoy, but once it happens you want to be right next to him.

 

That's where the hillbillies will have the advantage. We won't have to venture into urban areas, we'll just stick to our element....the woods. While y'all battle it out for that last tin of Pringles on the 7-11 floor, we'll be feasting on venison and trout. And drinking our homemade hooch, fucked up seven ways from Sunday.

 

I can't speak for other dads on here, but if I were her boyfriend/husband, I would KIND OF be pissed at her for trumpeting such a home issue over a network with members that count up to infinity. She made him look like an asshole, does he know this?

There are things you get excited about for your kid. Walking and talking, yes! Be happy for such milestones. Anything else SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. Nobody cares about your precious Skylar passing a fecal loaf wretching its bowel the last 48 hours.

 

Thanks for not doing that.

I'm shooting in two matches tomorrow and am too excited/nervous to sleep so I'm drinking. Great strategy, right?

 

I think the next time I mention my kid in a status of any kind is when she wins her first fight at school. As long as she throws up the high knees while pulling the hair she'll be fine.

 

Not at all, I was raised in Idaho, I just practiced what I learned in the south.

As far as the Facebook thing...I could post the same update regarding my aunt if I felt so inclined. But I don't.

 

I don't know about that. I wouldn't want to be in my own foxhole with me, I tend to be a danger to everyone within spitting distance, myself included.

 

I just not the "Post anything at any time" mentality so many people have on facebook and twitter.

"Oh hey my kid took a giant, ass-smelling shit LMAO his daddy is dry-heaving like the bitch he is"

"Had the worst day, just wanna be alone, don't wanna talk about it"

"OMGZ Why do Asian kids go to school? They already know theyre gonna be smart"

 

In a Hillbilly Apocalypse it's going to be a sing for your supper sort of deal.

Can you sing?

 

That would work. Can you make it squeak like a wounded animal? That would be even better, it would draw in the big predators. Then we could feast for days.

 

Pay attention kids. This guy is the real deal.

 

Small game in this area. I think the largest wild animal in this region is a coywolf and it's smaller than a German Sheppard. To feed my family I would have to hop into my black threads and night sneak into backyards to slit the throast of unprotected Golden Retrievers and Mastiffs since they're big and friendly. Lay them down with a "Shhhhhhh. Shh. Shhh." and give them the two-fingered eye closing.

 

I usually just summarize every weekly drunk thread in 3/4 sentences and post that on Facebook so I can trick people into believing I'm funny and interesting.

 

Too much work for that when a piece of laytex glove will make all the rodent sqeaks that you need.

 

Not so much. I'm just imagining myself playing a wicked guitar solo while standing on the dead carcass of a bear. Just like Ted Nugent does every morning before breakfast.