I don't disagree...of course I missed something. That's why I talk things through a lot more these days. I'm not paranoid that would ever happen again, but I'm a lot more aware of what makes a good mate, and of what kind of mate I want to be.
This is why a require extensive medical and psychological records of all blood relatives. Blood, urine, and stool samples every 6 months, and a complete financial history of the family dating as far back as record keeping allows. Never can be too careful. God help her if my kid turns out ginger.
Here's what a lot of people on here aren't getting. No matter how fuzzy she makes you feel inside, or how hard she makes your dick when she dresses up like a lunch-lady, or how she just "gets you" at your darkest moments, you can't ignore finacial woes. Just because you are intent on making sure that your sig other is not a raging spend-aholic, doesn't mean that you don't love them with all of your heart. The two can be mutually exclusive, you know. My wife has no idea how to budget. Probably never will. The only math she could do at first was, "well, Nick makes 10 times as much as I do, so we can safely spend 10 times as much." Love her to death, but she had to be taught a lesson on how to save. More importantly, she didn't realize that when you buy more expensive stuff, the maintenance of your stuff is also more expensive. If you buy a Mercedes/BMW/whatever, well, your annual maintenance isn't just a $30 oil change. You buy a big house, well, your yard maintenance and utilities cost a fortune. You want to shop at Whole Foods instead of Publix, well, then expect to spend $600 a month on groceries instead of $300. You want big dogs, well, tack on $1,000 a month for kennels, food, and vet bills. Add all those little things up, and the next thing you know, you're spending $2,500-$3,000 a month just "maintaining" add-ons of your lifestyle. I have to agree with Brian here. While it's not imperative that your sig other to be fiscally conservative to the extreme, it IS important to know that he/she is willing and able to be a team player on the finance side. And sometimes, unfortunately, that takes time.
I was 22 years old and had been married for 2 years before I ever paid a bill. He went to NTC and I HAD to pay them while he was gone. I had no idea how all that process worked until that year. I was smart enough to figure out what to do and how to do it, obviously, but still. It was a completely new experience for me.
I got married WAY too young the first time. The second time...well. I knew him for years before we ever s tarted dating, and we dated two years before we were married. First husband was when I didn't know how to pay bills. He was okay with that, controlling the finances made him happy. Second husband was batshit crazy, latently.
This. My GF is a fucking idiot when it comes to money, always has been, always will be. But she understood that to have a stable future together she needed to stop spending money like it was going to rot and let me take control of the finances. I set the budget and figure out what our needs are, our savings goals, and just like Kublah's parents I split the rest between the two of us for whatever the fuck we want, that way neither of us can bitch about what the other buys and I know that she's not carrying a balance on her credit cards.
You speak with authority, and I suppose that comes from your profession, but you obviously haven't been around a bunch of bad marriages. I guess you don't like the term "vetting." Fair enough, except that's what getting to know someone is all about. You can pretend it isn't, and wrap up your relationship in a tidy pink bow, but you are still vetting the person. I know a lot of guys that aren't "outrageously inept" (btw, what is up with you and the ridiculously hyperbolic put downs?) who got fucked over by women. Hard. The only similarity between them? They got married fast (quicker than 2 years). You can't learn FUCK ALL about someone in 2 years. Hell, I didn't really start to learn the core motivations of my girl until we were past 4 or so. So thank you, your majesty, for your belief that everyone can base their lives off your idyllic, Disneyland relationship (which I assure you, isn't)... but that isn't the real world. Knowing your mate's credit score can actually save your ass later on, but I'm sure as a lawyer you know that. Because you know everything.
You're just not realistic, and that's okay. A buddy of mine was married to a woman for 5 years before he found out that she a) was a compulsive gambler and b) had maxed out 4 credit cards he didn't know about. He's still recovering from that one. SGT Cockface? Really? That's what you've got? (<---- signature line material from the tool, right there)
Sounds like the children aren't playing nicely in the sandbox. After reading this thread, I'm beginning to doubt my distress at behaving the way I do. Never having had a relationship sounds waaaay less stressful than all this nonsense. This group seems to be split between the 'dewy-eyed lovey-dovey' camp and the, 'fuck him/her, get a medical, background check and credit score' group. No thanks.
I'm confused. This is weird? I'm in my mid-20s, and my friends are only now starting to get married. The ones getting hitched all co-habitated with their significant others for a minimum of 2 years, after already dating for at least that long while living separately. Other friends broke off long-term relationships in the third or fourth year because of things they learned about the other that simply were not acceptable. Or they just plain got sick of each other. If you're so in love, what's the rush? What's wrong with simply being together for a number of years before performing a (largely arbitrary) ceremony that should really only serve to reaffirm what I assume is the foundation of a lasting relationship: a mutual understanding of one another based on a wide range of shared experiences. Maybe it can be done in the course of a year. Maybe for others it takes four. But if you're a One Year guy, and you're flipping out at the Four Year guy for waiting, you may want to consider the role your own internal doubts are playing in that reaction.
I've been dating my girlfriend for two years now, and proposed to her in a hilarious way(in the spoiler tag). We don't have a date set yet, but it's something that's definitely happening. Part of the reason this is happening is certainly due to the fact that we had a kid two days before Christmas last year. It certainly has complicated things, but so far having a daughter has brought us rather together rather than farther away. I'm not going to lie and say that we've never fought over anything, but overall we're both very happy with the way things have turned out so far. Spoiler I should point out that my girlfriend knew in advance this was happening. And that my engagement ring is engraved with "Arator Sum" while hers says "Aratus Sum". It was the afternoon of last year's Superbowl. We ate at a very expensive restaurant by the beach. After dinner, I got down on one knee and said "I've loved you since the day I've met you. Arator Sum! Aratus Sum!" Everyone around us thought this was the most romantic thing ever, especially since they thought I was fluent in Latin(I'm not). Arator Sum is Latin for "I am the Plower." Aratus Sum is Latin for "I have been plowed." We were essentially celebrating the fact that my cock beat birth control, and all the old rich people around thought it was the sweetest thing ever. It was awesome.
Five and a half years. I heard they get fat when they get married, and delaying that as much as possible. I think I'll wait until she's 35 and see if she's fat. Under 140? Bingo, here's a ring. Unless we have a kid. Bummer.
One thing that confuses the shit out of me is how people can get married before you even live together. Moving in with someone changes fucking EVERYTHING. My last girlfriend and I had dated 4 months and already thought she was marriage potential. Then she had to stay with me for 2 weeks (not even officially moved in). I had to break up with her immediately after. She did not respect anything I owned, never cleaned up after herself and left garbage and clothes everywhere. I felt like I was living with my 5 college roommates again. I never thought much about people getting married after less than a year but you really need to live together for some time before even getting engaged.
This is my thoughts on the matter, it's like some people don't think true love and commitment can exist without marriage, it's a fucking ceremony and paperwork, that's it. I find all the pressure to get married rather annoying, why can't two people just be in love and live their own way? Or at the very least make their own timeline without a bunch of ass hats insulting them for waiting so long to take the plunge?
Well, considering that 50% of marriages in America end in divorce (isn't that the right stat?), it's entirely possible that there could be another wedding to look forward to.
I hate the fact that I can essentially flip a coin and that will tell me that if and when I get married, the chances of the marriage working out. I have divorced parents, but I lucked out extremely well. I didn't realize how well my parents got along and how rare that is until I was about 10. My mom and dad would be probably be friends and get lunch together if it weren't a bit of a taboo and probably make my step-parents uncomfortable (aka my step-mom). They live in the same neighborhood. If kids are brought into the mix, it makes it much more difficult and a lot more hurt goes into it. Even so, divorce is not an easy thing for anyone and how "normal" it has become in society scares the shit out of me, don't even get me started on people that date for 3 months when their 22 and think they're so "madly in love"... For me, family is very important and friends that are practically family are your best resources to see if things will last. A guy has to get along with my family and they have to like them. My ex was an only child and didn't have a huge family, my family is the exact opposite. He was never really enthusiastic about family things and in almost the 2 years we dated, he only met my parents and my sister and her husband--should have seen this as a bigger warning sign especially since he knew how important family is to me. Not everyone has the same family importance or has a good family life, but I think almost everyone has friends that are practically blood to them. One of my brother's best friends married this girl that all the people in their group of friends didn't think was compatible enough for him and didn't see it lasting---it didn't. You can blind yourself with "love" and "let things go" whereas your friends don't have that bias to make it work. All I know is, I don't want to get married anytime soon. I'm young and still changing. I know I'm not the same person I was 5 months ago let alone a year ago. I still need to discover more about myself and what I want and need.
It's closer to 40% for first-time marriages, but it's still pretty damn high. Remarriages, on the other hand, have divorce rates that are higher than 50%.
Yeah, but the other 50% end in death. So, isn't it equally possible there won't be another one? I call that a wash.