Here's a happy thought for our Canadian board members...I'm 60 miles from breaching your boarders, well armed, and drunk. Y'all have the good Kokanee beer on your side of the line and I'm thirsty. Sleep tight, eh?
The good news is that the border is so vast, that the odds of any one of us actually being in danger are quite remote.
Sssh. Nobody tell him about the real good beer. Also, we've faced far bigger threats to our sovereignty than one pissed off redneck. For example, thousands of pissed off rednecks with manifest destiny on their minds. This state of existence persisted until the 20th century pretty much.
Welp. Joan Rivers went as Snooki for Halloween. I'm done eating forever. I'd say they look like drag queens, but not even South Beach transvestites would wear that outfit.
I mentioned before that I work with people who have mental disabilities. This afternoon I brought the gal I work with to the old folks home for the friday musical entertainment because she loves that shit. Usually they have someone playing guitar and singing old country songs. Sometimes they have someone playing polka music on the accordion. But today was a first. It was some old dorky white guy and an old Asian lady singing karaoke. The guy was funny because he was trying to be energetic and everything, but was just stiff and awkward. But the Asian lady was a fucking riot. She had a real thick accent. It was almost a parody of Asian people. When she sang the lyrics "love is all around" as "rove is arr around" I fucking lost it and literally started laughing out loud. I felt bad and was able to contain myself shortly after, but I swear that was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. She had a really good voice, but every time a word had an "L" in it she was just begging me to giggle like a little girl. And then I started to imagine all the WW2 vets in the room getting upset that some Jap was brought in to entertain them, which would make them plot an ambush on the enemy that would go horribly wrong because of their gait and immobility and reliance on motorized wheelchairs. The Asian would turn the microphones into a makeshift set of nunchucks and defend herself to the death against the slow but methodical wave of octogenarians, all while she sang Perry Como's Papa Loves Mambo. This might not be funny to most people, but fuck you, I live in the whitest state in the country and I hardly ever get to see racial stereotypes in real life. That lady made my fucking day.
You people suck at sexy Halloween posts. Time for a serious, honest debate. Who was the sexier Catwoman? Halle Berry: Michelle Pfiefer: Or Julie Newmar:
So the past two years we've gone the typical "sexy (insert something here)," but this year: 19th century sleuths. People ain't gonna be looking because I'm showin' skin, people gonna be lookin' cuz I look DAMN good. Really though, I'm probably just going to start wearing clothes like this all the time now. Also, suspenders. Suspenders are not worn enough, and need to be brought back into the fold of things that hold our pants up. If you haven't tried suspenders, do yourself a favor and get a pair.
I thought you were gonna dress up in a costume and wear condoms and fuck random old people at a wedding? Or did I misunderstand something...
What, do you want more details of my cremaster reflex from earlier in the thread? I'll take Halle Berry. Michelle Pfeiffer just screams daddy issues.
Flannel is sexy in Canada, right? I'll go with Pfeiffer. Berry just seems like she's trying too hard. Pfeiffer brought some class to the role. I haven't seen the movies in a while, so file this under gut instinct.
This is a trick. If I say, "Don't do it," then you'll say I'm being insulting. If I say, "Go for it!" you'll say something like, "You first." I know how this game is played.
Just finished carving seventeen jack-o-lanterns. My wrist hurts more than after watching an Isabella Dior porn marathon. Enough bitching. Let's Dance!!!
A thousand pissed off rednecks is no match for a stealthy thirsty redneck. I'd much rather face a thousand pissed off possums then a single possum with a well thought out agenda. Surrender all your Kokanee beer to me, and a few pounds of smoked kokanee and I'll be appeased much like rubbing a dog's belly. I mean seriously, what are y'all going to do to thwart my attack? Throw snowballs and sick Dudley Doorite on me? I'll light your snow shoes on fire and melt your igloos.
YOU WANNA GO!?!? YEAH, WELL I'LL SLASH THE TIRES ON YOUR MONSTER TRUCK AND STEAL YOUR NASCAR CRASH HIGHLIGHTS BETAMAX TAPES. THEN, I'LL THROW BUCKETS OF WATER ON YOUR BURNING CROSSES. THEN, I'LL STEAL YOUR WALLET SO YOU CAN'T GO SHOPPIN' AT KRAGEN. THEN, I'LL HIDE YOUR COATHANGERS SO YOU CAN'T GIVE ANY ABORTIONS. THEN, I'LL TAKE YOUR PEANUT BUTTER SO YOU'LL HAVE NO USE FOR YOUR DOG. THEN ILL CHANGE ALL YOUR RADIO PRE-SETS AND DRINK ALL OF YOUR BOTTLES OF NIGHT TRAIN AND THEN... Serisously, good to see you again prodigal hillbilly.