Gather round, children, I've a story for ye 'Bout the young, noble Philip, and a lone vengeful Bee 'Tis no ordinary tale that I lay at your feet But a quest for revenge fueled by midsummer's heat Our journey began but two days ago When I first encountered our original foe A bee of great cunning had found his way in Through my kitchen window, much to my chagrin With eyes toward the gods, an oath I did swear To slay this foul beast with a fury most rare And set myself there, in opposite stance To the bug, and proclaimed, "Motherfucker, let's dance." After minutes of watching him coming and going The beast flew to the light, I could feel his fear growing I prepared a New Yorker for the final offense I assure you, my friends, the tension was dense When suddenly, somehow, the bee's life did falter And he died there, alone, like a lamb on an altar Sacrificed to a god who cared not a wit That my glory was stolen, what a smug little shit For two days I did wonder how this could have occurred "How dare he just quit?!" I hotly demurred And sat with a bottle of economy whiskey And drank until driving was thoroughly risky Then at dawn on the Lord's day, a visit I got From a bee who's purpose I really did not Completely believe, at first glance or second "This must be the booze" I quietly reckoned "This is not," the bee said, "your brown liquor speaking" "Into a world of great secrets you are dang'rously peeking That bee you pursued was no ordinary slob A bee of great import from this world you did rob" "In the World of the Bees, only few are selected To ensure that our powers are closely protected Bees, my good friend, are no ordinary creatures But beings possessing extraordinary features" "Among them the power to relate to Man A knowledge of future events, and they can also advise if woe is encroaching That bee came to tell to tell you your death is approaching" "Do you think such a powerful bee could have been Crushed 'neath the pages of your magazine? He could have transported to far-away lands But he taught you a lesson, and kept blood off your hands." And I sat and I heard, and my dread did increase And I cowered and wished for a semblance of peace In my mind, which had since been tightly constricted By thoughts of the doom that this bee had predicted "Please, my good bee, just explain how I might Correct my mistake and make everything right Oh, what a fool I have been to presume That this bee meant me harm when it entered my room" And the bee thought a moment and finally said "You've squandered the chance to avoid getting dead I leave you now in a state of hysterics At the command of the Council of Elder Bee Clerics" "May your days be filled with the terrible thought Of the bee you'd presumptuously chosen to fought Instead of heeding his warning about your demise May his death haunt your conscience with every sunrise" And that my friends, is the terrible tale Of the bees' final vengeance, and I have grown pale From a mystery illness whose cure is uncertain I fear I'm approaching the close of life's curtain A final warning I do kindly offer If a bee approaches and his wisdom does proffer Reach not for your stupid hipster publication But accept it at once with calm supplication. Fin.
Well the twins have gone back to the slag whore. The girl is in bed. And because I am a super awesome dad, I did not kill a single one of those ungrateful, back talking, money draining, contrary, hateful, foul tempered, "I don't want to take a nap!" screaming, violent, "He/she took my toy!" whining, horrible heathens. Now I have an unopened 30 rack talking a bunch of mad shit. Beer destruction starts...NOW!
Hell, I am ready to not be drenched in sweat every time I have to walk across a parking lot to my car, I don't want another $500 electric bill for the AC to essential fun 24/7 to keep the place at a balmy 75 degrees, I won't even go so far as hoping for coat weather.
Well, I had an ultrasound on my arm today. It is normal, which is nice. However, I have a bruise running from my elbow to my armpit now. I have no idea why it took so long to show up. All this from a blood donation. Fuckers.
I have encountered someone who doesn't own a wok. I am FLOORED by this. Tomorrow's a holiday here. Hello Jose Cuervo. Where have you been all my life?
I'm back from the cottage. And I managed to beat all the traffic that hooker got snarled in. Oddly enough I was staying close to the park hooker is staying right now. Also in the nearest town to my cousin's cottage, I stopped into a wal-mart to grab a pair of earplugs for the ride back, and who should I see working in the pharmacy but a guy who graduated from my school a year ago. Actually, he's the pharmacy manager, and working a long weekend. Poor bastard. But he gets to live out in cottage country and stare at the stars all night and go snowmobiling all winter. He won't be catching much sympathy from me. A proper long weekend should be filled with the five Bs: beer, boats, boobs, bikes, barbecue. Yes.
On a hike yesterday evening, my aunt stepped on a bee hive and instead of attacking her, they all came after me. I've been in bed all day because 11 bee stings takes it out of you even when you're not allergic. So far, I've tried benadryl cream, ibuprofen, a mixture of baking soda and water, and soaking in a warm bath. Does anyone have any other bee sting remedies?