Your Top 3 Rules

My parents' chief concern was that my brother had common courtesy and weren't little assholes, and most importantly, that we weren't permanently injured or killed.

The top 3:
1." Lift the toilet seat before you pee." In jr. high I failed to follow this rule at a sandwhich shop and it's the only time I was legitimitely scared for my physical well-being with my father.

2. "No drugs, no smoking, no drinking."

3. "Stay away from _______________. That's how people get killed. That's just a lawsuit waiting to happen." This applied to trampolines, the sketchy catapult my cousins built, firearms (when not supervised by my father), carnival rides, homemade go-karts, fireworks, skateboards, knives, etc. When learning torts in law school I finally understood why my dad acted the way he did and what exactly he meant. At the time it really sucked because we weren't allowed to do some of the things other kids were allowed to do but my parents meant well. However, some of this was hypocritical, as we were allowed to play contact sports, ski and snowboard, ride motorycles, and a myriad of other things.

 

I didn't really have any steadfast rules growing up like that. My wife did have 1 that she remembers, and thought, until she was probably in high school or college, was a normal rule.

No singing at the dinner table.

Apparently my wife and her younger sister were non-stop Disney movie records, so my father-in-law had to institute the no singing rule. They thought it was a rule everyone had, like no elbows on the table.

 

My rules were pretty basic:

1. "Don't use that tone with me."
This is what my mom said any time she thought I was being sassy or disrespectful. I think she imagined it sometimes, though. Maybe I just have a bratty voice?

2. "Call us when you get there."
It has always been important, particularly to my dad to a) know where I am, and b) know that I got from one place to another safely. Even after I moved out I would call my parents when I got home after spending time with them, just out of habit. Weird, I know.

3. "You're the older sister, act like it."
As I'm sure all older siblings understand, EVERYTHING was my fault. I remember getting scolded for suggesting a different place to go out to dinner because it made my sister upset. Luckily she's turned into a mostly reasonable human being. It just took her a while.

 

Growing up:

1: There are guns in the house. They are loaded. Don't fuck with them. (A pretty solid rule in any house with guns.)

2: Shut up.

3: If you're not home in bed with the lights out by 9 o'clock, don't come home. ( I was 16 and wouldn't come home for weeks at a time. In bed with the lights out at 9PM? Really? Uh...no. This led to me renting my first place at 16 and that place was a whole story in and of itself. )

 

Mom and Dad's top three rules never changed.

1. Come home pregnant and unwed, a hole will be prepared in the backyard for you.
2. Cops come to the door for you, we'll kill you first.
3. If you swallow your gum, it will blow bubbles in your stomach.

After three decades, I am the one upholding the law and my uterus has not been vandalized by a child. Semen, however...they had no rules for that.

I can't swallow gum to this day. Hey, I guess the previous sentence works here too.

 

1. Use forethought. If you must do something risky, do it intelligently to minimize the consequences. (E.g. if you are going to smoke a joint, smoke it in someone's backyard, not on a public street.) This has actually been a really strong motivator for me not to do dumb shit. Even now when I contemplate doing something risky, I figure out the impact it would have / support I would need from my folks if it went wrong, and decide based on whether explaining my actions would exceed my threshold for looking like a fucking idiot. In retrospect, this was a pretty good way for me to learn how much risk I was willing to assume and take responsibility for it, while at the same time knowing that if I really fucked up in a potentially life-altering way, I could turn to my folks for support. That support would come at the cost of lowering their opinion of my judgement, which I value.

2. If you've got a problem that can be fixed, take steps to solve it or shut up about it. (This has stood me in really good stead over the years. Although I'll admit that to this day I sort of look down on people who bitch about situations without taking any action. Oh, you can't get girls to fuck you? You're 60kg overweight, live on fast food and drink half a carton of cider every night. Come to the gym with me or shut the fuck up about not getting laid. You hate your job? Well, what other ones have you applied for recently? Oh, none? Boohoo.)

3. Don't brag about or flaunt what you've got, because you will incentivize people to ruin it for you and/or hate you. (In retrospect, this is kind of a weird one, but still good advice that I don't follow as much as I should.)

Ok, this next one's not exactly advice per se, but it's probably the best piece of knowledge I received from Dad about relationships. (I'm fairly sure this is a bastardized quote from somewhere, but I heard it when I was 15 or so and it stuck).

4. Women are crazy. Men are crazy. Everyone, including you, is a little bit nuts in their own special way. The trick is to find someone who's insanity matches yours and stick with them.

 

My parents never had any rules outlined as such. From what I can gather, they figured that by sending me to a catholic school, it was already being done for them.

 

Tiger Mom's rules were simple and few:

1. 99% is a failing grade and there are no failures in this house.
2. Tattoos are for prisoners or prostitutes.
3. Stay away from people with cats. Cat-people murder innocent children in the night.