Your water broke: the LWDT (consider NSFW, as always)

My daugher threw the biggest shit-fit in human history when I took her off the park climbers tonight. You would have thought I was jabbing her with hat pins over and over the way she screamed and thrashed like a banshee-trout on amphetimines. I don't get it. She's never come close to acting this way before and she scared the piss out of every dog within a 200 foot radius. It was like carrying an air raid siren that can also kick you in the nuts.

Again, thank Space God for weed. And Raising Arizona. Funniest movie in history. Watching that tonight.

 

I'm going to regret this but I am watching "Armored" on netfilx. But luckily I have 7 n 7 to help me through this.

 

Today I made ratatouille, a vegetarian dish. I read Camus, in French. I also stole a cake pan from my parents' house for the purpose of baking with. Either this is a strange permutation of allergies, or I may have caught the gay.

Because of the ambiguity you left in these sentences, I'm going to assume your new hot co-worker is female.

 

I am drinking WINE because I didn't make it to the liquor store last night before it closed and dumb-ass Virginia doesn't allow most of its liquor stores to be open on Sundays. Motherfucker! This wine is like a tease. Tastes better than beer though.

 

I haven't been here in awhile, it's been a bit of a crazy summer. Not fun crazy, just schedule crazy. Anyway, I just made this for another board and thought I'd share with y'all. I miss you all with your depraved intelligence and whatnot.

 

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

 

No dice. No lady hookups for this girl. He happens to be an exceptionally well-dressed 18 year old dude.

 

Stupid bars closing at at 2:30 fuck my life. Time to continue with beer pong.

18yr old are you cradle robbing or what? if so well...cudos haha.

 

He's probably using you so you'll buy him cigarettes and Thunderbird.

Well dressed? A struggling art student, then? Probably can't paint a happy tree to save his life then ran into your cougar-in-training arms. Cue orchestra music and lots of candles.

 

I'm moving to Hawaii. Like right now. I'm sitting in a bar in lax drinking screwdrivers at whatever time it is right now. Life is good.

 

Well-dressed is code for gay, don't you know. Time to find a real woman, honey.

 

Wedding last night was a success. I (along with several of the bridesmaids, including my wife) managed to sneak the "hook em horns" sign into about every photo taken. This happening at a wedding in which they interrupted the reception to do some aggie pride circle chant thing (grooms family are all a bunch of those goat fuckers).

Best moment for me came from when they were attempting to do this, as I was already drunk and started yelling real loud "It's ok, don't be ashamed to go up there. This is when we find out who the idiots in the crowd are. Don't be embarrassed. I'm sure we've all slept with livestock at some point in our lives."

The groom's mother, behind me, was less than pleased, mumbling "I got a darned good education from there" before she waddled up to join the rest of the inbreds.

 

What state do you live in? Nevermind who fucks goats or what school they went to, what kind of retarded society thinks that a university sports team is so important as to merit interrupting a wedding reception to get into a circle and chant said school's song?

 

Texas. Aggies are a special breed of stupid, and unfortunately, they are quite abundant. Aggies (A&M, generic shitty state school) are stupid enough to wear their gaudy graduation ring from OVER A DECADE PRIOR when they are the groom at their wedding, overshadowing anything the bride is wearing/owns.

It's not necessarily pride in their sports teams, because depending on the season they basically all suck. And even in the best of times, they're still bad. It's pride in the university, which is in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere (College Station), and grant degrees on the basis of if you have a heartbeat or not.

I could care less about the college, but the fact that these douche bags run rampant and constantly want to remind people that "they got theirs sum real edumucation!" OVER A DECADE AGO, at a fucking WEDDING, is just flat embarrassing.

But yeah, my wife, sisters, and various other cohorts did some nice sniper damage. They're gonna love looking at the pictures of their first dance and seeing a "hook em horns" sign (University of Texas; I didn't go there, but it pisses the aggies off) in the background.

 

During my brother's wedding back in 07, I was best man, and the entire wedding party besides myself went to University of Michigan, as I went to Michigan State. They decided to make it a point to chant their stupid fight song during the reception as I stood up there looking out of place and retarded. And they also made it a point to take a picture of all the UM family members and friends surrounding me with a UM flag in the background. Not sure what the point of it was, just to act all douchebag-ish like 98% of UM fans are.

 

See that's another American thing I don't get: graduation rings. Be they high school or college or whatever. Also, because I dislike it, I will now ascribe the ridiculous over-romanticization of high school in our culture to be an American thing.

In related news, how gaudy can a graduation ring be that it overshadows whatever the bride is wearing? And in slightly related news, one of the girls in my class got engaged over the summer and is now sporting an entire fucking geological formation on her finger. That, ladies and gentlemen, is gaudy.



EDIT: Hey, Diablo, did this video make big waves over in your parts?



Sure glad this guy isn't flying over the city today.

 

You mean Lethbridge isn't a giant, empty field?